I feel like biting him!!!!!

Man, I had such a lovely weekend with my family. It was soooo great that I couldn't even believe it was happening. I haven't lived in the same country as my brother for almost ten years, so we struggle to spend some time together. When I was in Australia, he was here. Now I'm back in Brazil, he's living in Angola. And now that he has his own family, his wife and his son, it's even harder to get organised to spend some quality time together.

So last weekend, we travelled to another state, not so far from here, where an uncle of mine lives with his wife. We travelled a couple of hours to get there, my brother, his wife, my nephew and mum. Dad was already there... it was fabulous!! We went to the beach, walked about at the shopping centre, had some lunch, it was lovely!!! The best part of all that, as weird as it sounds, was to see my little brother being a dad. He's sooooo cute with his babe, very patient, very fatherly, he talks to him, teaches him stuff, it's awesome!! I can't even leave aside the fact that my nephew is the most delicious thing!!!! I feel like biting him all the time!!! Not in a bad way, but he's sooooo cute that you just cannot say enough words to describe him, that you just feel like hugging him tight, biting him, and grabbing his feet. They're soooo fat!! And he's such a smart kid. He's only two, but he says stuff that you just can't understand where he gets that shit from... it's hilarious!!! When he calls me 'auntie Paula', ohhh I go to haven... it's the sweets thing!!!

In the way back home, he came right next to me in the car, and I was trying to entertain him. He loves music and he loves to dance, so I was doing all this weird stuff and he was imitating me, it was hilarious... having kids in the family is such a blessing!!! I don't know, but I can't wait to have babies of my own. I mean, I'm not ready now, but I can't wait to be just to have a thousand of them... not really but three or four would be great!!! I reckon I'm getting clucky...

That's him


That's him with the babysitter


That's him and my sister-in-law


and that's the happy family!!

Order and Progress

That's the statement written in our flag. I actually find our Brazilian flag beautiful. It's green representing the Amazon, blue representing the ocean and yellow, representing the gold (mining), I think. The only thing that I wonder is if the statement really represents the situation here. I can say that 'progress' can be quite fair. Despite the world economical crisis, Brazil is still stable and doing reasonably well. The biofuel production is pretty good here. The government isn't planning to slow the work down on it due to the crisis. We've exported heaps of it to Europe and EUA as well. Agriculture is also going ok, although it has been said some grains harvest wont be as huge as last year's. The banks are still lending money to people to buy properties and some economics professors have said Brazilian banks are pretty conservative therefore, haven't done anything major to cause much damage to their structure. I really do believe my country isn't all that bad when it comes down to economical matters. Well, pretty good then for the 'progress'...

Now, let's talk about 'order'. Excuse me, what does that mean??? Many Brazilians would ask you that. How can we have a word written in our flag that doesn't even exist in our dictionary?!?!?! Of course it does, but people have not a clue what that means, which, in the end, it's the same damn thing. And I tell you, I really feel the need to name you what I mean about Brazilians NOT knowing the signification of 'order'. People here DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT read signs, for example. No parking, don't smoke, pets not allowed, preferential for gestating or disable people, recycle, don't walk in the grass, private property, music not allowed, you name it, people here cannot read it. They walk in the grass, they smoke inside shopping centres and restaurants, they park and stop whatever the hell they like, specially in the middle of the street, no matter how much you scream, horn, make gestures, they don't give a rat's, the remain still. People here also love throwing staff out of the car window, can you believe it?? Oh yeah, it kills me, kills me!!! The other day I was driving through a big avenue and this guy just opened the window and chucked a bloody bottle of coke out of the damn thing. Man, I went mental!!! I drove faster, got my car right next to his and screamed my lungs out "You sun of a bitch, go throw the rubbish inside YOUR house. The street isn't it!!" And this is nothing compared to many other things, way worse and terrible, HORRIFYING!!!

Man, I get so angry with people here, sometimes. I love Brazil, but most of the time I come to this blog to bitch about it. But it annoys me how people here have not a clue of how to be a civilized nation. Politicians are corrupted and the people are uneducated enough to not be able to say anything about it or fight for their rights. To make things even worse, they even contribute to the underdevelopment of the country by not respecting the rules. People here have the idea "I'm not gonna change the world. So if they don't do it, why am I going to do it?". I don't get it!! I can't say I'm 100% politically correct. I have my floors, plenty, sure, as everyone does. But please, people here don't respect anything or anyone. No rules, no laws, no queue, nothing!! I find it very hard to live with it. Santa ignorance! Order and Progress?!??!?! Not sure...

(Un)happy end

The characters are:

He: tall, very intelligent, a inspiring doctor. Well-educated, he comes from a very traditional and wealthy family. He's 28, a gentleman, compared to a prince by many due to his attitude, open mind, will to help. A caring man and dream boy for many girls.

She: strong personality, a beautiful blond girl. Determined, she doesn't care about people's opinion. Out-spoken, mysterious, hard-working, she doesn't allow too many in her heart. His family loves her.

The story goes something like that:

She just graduated from university. The course: medicine, just like him. They met at university. He tutored her for while. The celebrations for her uni achievement was huge!!! I was actually invited but couldn't make it because it was in another state, where she lives now. This massive event also celebrated their engagement. 150 people made to the party, and they said the couple couldn't be happier. He is going to make her happy for the rest of her life. And she is going to do the same for him.

The wedding is going to be here, in the bride's home town. The church has already been paid for, and the wedding planners are going crazy!! The bride's mother is soooo excited and the groom's family can't wait to be at the sunshine state (here) for the party. The girls are already organizing the piss up for when she gets here. Everything is going great!!!

Both, now doctors, are studying hard to get into their specialisation. She wants to be a gynecologist. He wants to work in an ER.

Saturday, November 1, 2008, 5.30am, the fairy tails turns into a nightmare. He's working in an ambulance, coming back from rescuing a just born baby. It crashes against a truck holding 30 ton of corn. He is squashed under the wreckage. She gets the call and drives to the accident scene. Thankfully, for her own sake, she couldn't find what she was searching for; his body.

I'm so sad for her!!! I wish I could hold her tight. Everyone who loves and cares for her has been feeling her pain. The boy's family, poor them!!! He's the second son lost in a car accident. I wish I could take her anxiety, her anger, her lacking of understanding away from her mind. I wish I could give her some comfort. The last thing she said to him; "I don't like this shirt". Had she known, she would have been nicer, loving and caring. She would have said "I LOVE YOU!" She wouldn't had let him go. But how could she know? How can we lose someone in a blink of an eye? We gotta learn from this. Learn that we have to live life as if it was the last breathing. We have to be next to the people we love as much as we possibly can and let them know how much we love them. That sounds so cliche, but I guess, when you go through something like that, you realise how important it is to value the people you care.

Amiga, I'm devastated with your pain. I feel your body aching with disappointment. I'm praying for your soul and for his too. I hope God brings you peace. God took him away because he was needed elsewhere. Your prince will cure in heaven. You're a rock, you'll past trough this and you'll be happy again. You deserve it! I love you always!!

Call me crazy

Saturday night I went out to a very cool bar for a boogie. It was actually a friend's birthday. The night was going great!!! A heap of girlfriends dancing, talking crap, taking crazy photos (I'll post it here for you once I have them, I promise), it couldn't go wrong, could it? And it didn't. We had a ball, we laughed our ass off as we hadn't for a while. Just one thing during the night kinda of annoyed me. And before I tell you the story, I'm just letting you know right ahead, and you can call me crazy if you want, but I don't like those very hot, good lucking, stud muffing guys, you know?!? They are full of shit!!!

Well, I saw this guy, soooo handsome, tall, dark skin, black hair, hot body, well dressed, just hot!!! He was standing right next to me. I saw him arriving, I looked at him and I did what I always do when this type of guy gets next to me; don't give a shit!! Then he left. I like smart guys, with a cute nerd kinda intellectual look, that can make me laugh, that can make me feel special, mysterious, who can treat me like a lady (or not in the right moments, wink, wink), well, enough with the dirty talk. Later on, I went to the bar to get a drink and he came to talk to me. The conversation went like that:

Him: "Oh, it's so hard to find a tall girl. You have not a clue of how I suffer with that." (7 secs)

Me (looking bored and not interested): "Hum...hum!" (1 sec)

Him: "So...what your name?" (2 sec)

Me: "Paula" (half a sec)

Him: "I saw you over there..." (2 secs)

So, after 12-and-a-half secs, only people, ONLY, this guys says:

"So, love, what can I do to give you a kiss??"

Me: Oh, LOVE, it would be easier to find life in another planet before you kiss me!!!

WTF??? What's wrong with these guys?? I wonder if this is all our fault. I mean, us girls who allow guys like that or any other type of guy behave like that. I've been feeling so disrespected here in Brazil. Guys here treat girls like shit. And the controversy is that you don't need to sleep with a guy, or worse, you don't even need to kiss him for him to treat you like shit or think he's better than you!! Good men in Brazil are so rare to find, that's not funny. And after you have such a healthy relationship, with a awesome man, respectful, supportive, caring, loving, like I had, I'm a bit worried about not ever finding someone to share a life with, someone that's worth my attention, my care, my feelings, my dedication, my companionship. I'm thinking about making a business out of lack of decent man here and start to import men to Brazil. I might even make some money out of this. Is anyone out there interested in meeting some Brazilian chicks??

Just like dad

You know when you look at someone and you think: "Gosh, I'm soooo like that person"? I saw myself doing that for years and years and years with regards to dad. Everywhere I went, people would say the same thing to me, how dad and I were so much alike. And I could see it all the time. The thing is, dad has a few things about him that not only me, but everyone who knows him really like it. He's funny, communicative, entertaining, friendly. But there are sooooooo many things about his personality that I just cannot put up with. And even that, I took after him (really sad!!).

When I was 17, I convinced mum to let me see a shrink. Honestly, it was one of the best things ever. Although my family was totally against it, I managed to spend 10 months in therapy. I'd say my main goal was to stop being like dad. And I reckon I got close to it. It's weird how dad and I relate to each other. It's a very undefined relationship we have going on. I can't say that on his behalf, but I have to admit that myself, in particular, have countless issues with regards to him. I don't really know what exactly I feel for him, and for sure it isn't simply love. Actually, I'm not sure if I got that at all. Dad has hurt me, and mum and my brother soooo many times that I just cannot heal. When I'm allowing myself to relax and trust he has changed, I get hurt again. I've created a thick skin, and it's like he can't get through me anymore. I've lost all the respect for him as a man and as a father. It's really sad. I'm sure what I have isn't hate, but disappointment and indifference. I think he means no harm, and his behaviour has a lot to do with his childhood. I reckon my grandparents didn't teach dad much about family, love, companionship, sharing, and all the great feelings mum has taught us. So how could he give it to us, if he doesn't even know what's like?!?

I find it soooo sad how he does things sometimes that actually make me ache physically. Sometimes it has nothing to do with me, but it still aches. It also aches to feel the way I do, to have this endless anger on me. And although I've learned he won't change, and I have to accept him the way he is, sometimes I lose my mind and I go nuts at him, we argue, we say stuff, it's awful. I really would like to learn how to forgive and forget. I wish I could just block the bad feelings and be able to only spend delightful times with him, just like I do with mum.

Well, but as I always say, nothing is 100% bad. And this isn't gonna scape the rule. The positive thing about having the weirdest relationship with dad, is that it made me a better person. All the bad stuff I took after him have been controlled by my own conscious. Everytime I'm about to act like dad, I remember how much I hate his behaviour, and I hold it back. But most importantly, it'll make me a better parent, that's for sure!! I learned with my own father, through his behaviour, how not to be a bad parent. I'm sure I won't make the same mistakes as he has with my brother's and mine up bringing. That's important, I reckon!! Learning from my father's mistake.

I don't want to finish without saying something nice about him though. I reckon God (BTW, I believe in God) has given him a second chance. Gos had given him a grandson who is crazy about him. And I have to admit he's doing great as a grandfather. Maybe he's realized it's time to catch up with what he had failed before.

Gimme answers!!!

I've got so many questions that I don't even know where to start. I actually bold them so you can help me figure this shit out!!! Well, let's start with something that happened to me this week, and I almost lost my sleep over it. But before that, let me give you an introduction about my friendships. I'm a very loyal friend. I'm always there for when my friends need me or an advice, or a bit of attention, a pad on the back or even to tell them they are wrong. I'm very opened to them and I always say what I think in the best way I can to not offend them, but to open their eyes regarding any matter. Most of my friends have some characteristics similar to mine, but mainly, we are all very different. And we all respect each other, therefore there are a few things that we shouldn't even argued about, because we just think differently.

A while ago I was seeing this guy. One night we had planned to go out for drinks. I ended up inviting a couple of friends to come along. One of the girls actually came along ahead in the car with me. The other girls were coming later. When I went to pick up this guy, with her, he brought along a friend. She hadn't met neither of them at that stage, so she was VERY, VERY uncomfortable to be going out with this two guys and me, as she had a partner, and she said it didn't look good for a committed girl to be in a public place with two guys and a girlfriend. She said it looked like there were two couples. I apologised for the situation but to be honest, I didn't really think it was a big deal. Her partner has to trust her, and as long as she didn't kiss, hug or did something sexual with the guy, what was the problem??? But as I said, we are different and I just tried to respect it.

Well, this week, I went out with this same girl and two other guys. But these two guys are two of our best friends. So there wasn't a problem at all for her to be with me and two other guys in a public place then, right??? My question is, WTF????? Am I being wrong here, or maybe too liberal, or disrespectful, or stupid??? I reckon that's double standards, am I wrong?? Please point that out to me. Why can she go out looking like two couples with friends but not with her friend's date and another guy?? Because her partner will find that not good??? But shouldn't he trust her no matter what??? Why are Brazilian SO FULL OF SHIT??? I'm so sick of this crap!!! People here are full of shit!!

And let's not stop here. Please listen, I have another story and more questions. Have I told you that I'm the only single girl in my group of friends? I'm not complaining, and that's not even the point. But the question here is; if I'm going out to a bloody awesome concert, that I intend to dance heaps, DANCE ONLY (that is, no intention whatsoever to have any encounter with a guy, and I'm being honest), what's wrong with me willing to go with a friend without her boyfriend?? I mean, if she chooses to bring the boyfriend along, fine! But am I allowed to have an opinion, and that being, I'd rather to have a moment with my girlfriend without her boyfriend?? And that's not because I'm gonna take her to cheat on him (because I'm not like that, and I respect and value fidelity), but because if I want to dance with her, she won't be able to, because the boyfriend we'll be complaining. I know already the story!!

Well, I was judged this week just because I said to a friend I'd like to spend a bit of money in a concert, to go with her, if her boyfriend wasn't coming. But I said that because she said he probably wouldn't go at the first place. I have the right!! And I really like him, but not to go with for a concert to dance, that's bloody all!!

I'm just so sad that this girlfriend of mine, who know me so well, and know that I don't encourage, in fact I don't like infidelity, still make me feel like the "SINGLE girl - the CURSE". Just because I don't think men are the only reason to live, and I'm not the conventional type, it doesn't mean that I'll destroy every relationship in the world neither encourage my friends to disrespect their partners. And this friend is one who knows me well and know all that!!!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really a freak who will never find someone because I'm way too open mind, and because I believe in relationships that do not function based ONLY AND EXCLUSIVELY on what society dictates is a good behaviour for women. Please, gimme answers!!!!

What a joke!

Although it's a joke, I'm not laughing at all. I actually think I should bust in tears. That's all because of the local elections, here in Brazil. We went yesterday to vote for our mayor and local members, and I did it for the first time ever, as I was away for ages. Man, I found it hard to pick my candidates. Brazilians are very hopeful, we always believe we are improving, things are changing, that people from the opposition can make a difference.

Maybe, because I was overseas, I opened my mind a bit more, and I lost this Brazilian spirit that "oh, we're getting better!", to replace it for something realistic. What we have here in Brazil isn't politics. It's an organised (or maybe disorganised) festival for a small and selected (by the people) group of high class thieves that are more worried about enjoying life with public money rather than improving health, education, security, employment rates etc.

Some people actually say the country is in a better condition, that poor people aren't that poor anymore, and uneducated people are getting education, and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Let me paint you a picture; firstly, the president came up with this plan called something like 'family package'. It's some "almost nothing" amount of money to make the poor people shut up and think he's helping. With education, they build heaps and heaps of beautiful buildings they call schools, but they forget to hire and pay teachers to teach. So, how can the kids learn something? The drug industry here in Brazil is run by the people in the 'favelas' in partnership with the police and the politicians. High profile judges order high class sons of a bitch to be released from jail because... oh, just because. Politicians here, to steal public money, come up with the weirdest road works, and get overcharged by the construction companies, to get half of the profit.

Politicians here are bribed, corrupted, blackmailed, it's shit! To pick my candidates, I couldn't even say "oh, this one is honest" because there isn't such a thing. It's actually accepted that they steal public money, because it's common. People here say "oh, such and such steal but at least he as a good administrator", or they say "I'm gonna vote in such and such because she is easy to bribe", or, even worse, I friend of mine, who is also a journo, said he was gonna vote for someone who was TOTALLY corrupted because this candidate was a good source for his articles. I'm like "what the fuck?!??!?!?". Do you believe a drag queen with NO, ZERO, political plan made the cut because people here think elections is a joke?

I'm not sure if I'm being radical or maybe blind, and Brazil is, in fact, going in the right direction. I hope so. I hope all the Brazilians are totally right to be positive about our country and I'm the only dumb thing surviving. I'm hoping that I'm wrong about having no hope.

Totally shameless!!

Man, I tell you, Brazilian people are so shameless!! And I don't mean it because of their short shorts, nor tiny bikinis or not much cloth on during carnaval. I'm not even going there. They're shameless with regards to what they say. Well, I tell stuff about my life right open, with no discretion, out loud, not worrying much about what people think. But here in Brazil, or at least in the city I live in, people say stuff to you that I just don't get it!

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with being honest, but in some cases some discretion is required. For example, the other day I was having my nails done, and these two beauticians were talking to each other, including me in the conversation, how the other client was annoying! And I'm like "Oh my God!!! These two girls are having a bitch about a client sitting pretty close to me!!! Imagine if she was my mother??". I think that's a huge lack of common sense.

Also, I was in this private kids' playground picking up my nephew. The attendant was telling me (she didn't have a clue who the hell I was!) something like "that guy there is the father of this little boy here, and he is a tide arse!!!", And I'm like "HOLLY FATHER OF GOD!!! This woman is nuts!" Imagine if he was my husband, cousin, brother or whatever? And she said that without me even asking...

I think there is a huge difference between speaking up your mind and defaming someone. One involves you expressing your opinion about your personality or your opinion about something that is general knowledge. The other thing is you defaming someone, making people believe something about another person that they don't even know well. I think this is so wrong and very, very rude. Well, unfortunately I have to admit that people from the part of Brazil I come from are very rude and impolite (I know, I'm generalising, and I shouldn't! But oh well, it's just to help you understand my point). Man, that embarrasses me badly. Maybe I used to be like that. But after a few years living overseas, I sure learned some manners.

I wish people here looked a bit more to their own floors, and unreasonably criticized people less. I'm not sure if I'm being double standards here, but I don't think that's the case. I know I say heaps and heaps of stuff, I bitch a LOT, but I try hard not to defame people. That's not nice, and it's rude!!! I'm shameless with regards to a few things, but I try to preserve names or something similar that would easily identify a person. Well, that's the least I can do if I'm having a bitch about them, right? hehehehe...

Peaceful soul, bloody priceless!!!

I should be embarrassed to turn up here after 4 bloody months. But you know what, I'm like that! I don't give a rat's ass. I don't ask you to come and visit me. I have to admit though, that I appreciate very much your company, but don't come here nagging for more attention because I just cannot handle it at the moment. I'm here today just to let you know that I'm alive. I'm surviving Brazil... hooray!!! Honestly, the whole excitement doesn't come because of that, but because I'm finally in peace with myself. Not sure about in peace with Brazil yet. That's a totally different story...

Yeah, wondering why I have a peaceful soul?!?!? Or maybe how to get one?!? I'm afraid I'll have to inform you that they are NOT for sale. I have not a clue how I got into this stage of my life, but I have to let you know it feels bloody great! You should try it!!! That's all about being able to come and go to wherever hell you want to, whoever company you choose to go with, at any time you like. It's all about not needing someone to present to society with the excuse that you're a not a miserable single person. In fact, I LOVE being single!!! Note that I hope to not be single for the rest of my life. I really, really want to have a family, with a loving husband and children!!! But Gosh, not now!!! I'm enjoying my freedom, learning about myself, creating my boundaries, focusing on what really matters to me now, professional life, family, friends, fun times, laughter!!! Oh Gosh, it feels good!!!

I guess this whole conversation came about 5 months ago or so, when a friend of mine said he didn't want a girlfriend (he's been single for 3 years ish), because a peaceful soul was priceless. At that point, I didn't understand what he meant, and I felt sorry for him. But now, I know it and I get it and it's great!! Also, as all my girlfriends are seeing someone, and as I 'watch' their relationship, I see they all have their issues, things that I just don't feel like dealing with right now. So I'm just happy that I don't have anything to worry about at the moment but myself... am I being selfish here??? Oh well, I don't care. I just feel great!!! But please, I cannot deny that there are still little issues that I've been dealing with since I got back, and they annoy the hell out of me. But I feel I can handle all these issues better because I have great support for this journey; my peaceful soul!!!!

Time flies!!!

It’s crazy how time goes by soooo fast!!! I remember so well a year and a bit ago, a friend of mine calling me like a maniac!! I was in Australia, and she was here in Brazil. She kept ringing me in the weirdest times, because of the time difference, and I kept missing her calls. I knew she had something important to say, though. It had to be something very important due to her persistence!!!

I remember so well those phone calls. And as a good friend that I am (excuse-me!!!), I knew exactly what she had to tell me; she was getting married to her school-time sweet hart. Man, I was so excited, happy, pleased for her!!! And she was ringing me then to give me enough time to get organised and make the trip to Brazil for her wedding.

I remember telling her that there was nothing in the world that you’d make me miss something so important to her, and obviously, so important to me. I remember talking to my (ex)babe at the time, and we both were going to make the effort to come for the wedding.

Now, a year and five months later, I’m here getting prepared for her wedding that will be on tomorrow. I’m running to get the dress, shoes, make up, hair, everything organised. I’m so excited for this wedding, that it even seems like I’m the one to get married tomorrow. But I guess that’s how you’d feel when one of your best friends gets married. Specially because she’s the first one of us to tie the knot. I’m also happy for her because her husband to be is a wonderful man. He’s lovely, intelligent, understanding, hard-working, he’s great!!! And I reckon they deserve each other, that’s for sure. I reckon the party will be beautiful and full of positive energy. I can’t wait!!

But what has made me think a couple of times lately (I promise, only a few times!), is that a year and five months isn’t that much!! And when she rang me to give me the fantastic news about her wedding, my life was so different to what it is now. I’m not going to say that it’s better or worse, so let’s keep it as different. I was with my (ex)babe, thinking about my wedding. I had no plans whatsoever to come back to Brazil, I had just started a new job, I had just moved to a great house, with the girls, I was in a different stage of my life. How can everything change so quickly?!??!?!? I cannot even believe that, when she rang to tell me about the wedding, I was worried about the logistical and financing issues of coming over from Australia. And now, after all, I didn’t even need to worry about those issues, because I’m living here, and it has been like that for six months already!!!

The time has gone sooooo fast indeed. And it’s crazy when you stop and analyse how quickly your life can change!!! I really don’t know where all this comes from, but I have to admit I’m not used yet with how deeply my life has changed in so little time!!

I guess I’d like to give you a piece of advise. Not because I know everything, because I don’t!!! But just because that’s something new I learned very recently, with all these past changes in my life. We make up plans for our lives, and I find it very important to do so. In fact, it’s essential, in my opinion, to have a plan in which one wants to follow to achieve their objective. However, be prepared for the obstacles in the way and, more important, be aware that things are changing all the time. You need to be flexible because things might not go in the direction you want to and you need to learn how to deal with the unexpected.

I think I knew that, but not as much as I should of. I dealt with the unexpected as I could, but I’m still not sure how good it was. I still think that, almost a year later, I’m still feeling a bit lost with how I should move on with my life after the changes, and I’m still not sure why those changes happened to me. It’s really annoying when you aren’t prepared for the unexpected. It makes things harder to swallow… so be aware of the changes, and try to embrace it!!! They may seem to be for the worse, but after some time, you’ll find the positive side of it all. That’s what I’m searching for at the moment!!!

Sigh...feeling better...

I loved how I felt the whole day today!!! I reckon that spending the day yesterday, in my own company did me some good, and thank God for that!!! I woke up feeling very light, and during the whole day I had this peaceful soul inside me. I even had a few evil thoughts going through my mind (and there always are heheehehe), but I resisted it and I didn’t spread my poison at all. I just kept quiet, and had a nasty smile in the corner of my lips.

I reckon that’s healthy, though!! If I keep going in this direction, I’ll be a better person. I’ll still be a person with (strong) opinion, but I might just share it with people who can handle it, rather than every ordinary person. It’s not every-single-person in this world that can handle the truth, right?? I reckon only a few of us can, actually, just like you and me.

Anyway, lately I’ve been having an issue with a very dear, dear friend of mind. I absolutely love her, but since I came back from Australia, it feels that we argue or disagree 110% of the time we see each other, which it’s not a great figure, you may agree. Well, you might be wondering what the issue is, and I’ll tell you my friend. One of the things I hate the most is when someone says I’m lying . Because I rarely lie!!!! I’m very honest and transparent, which is one reason why I get f@cked sometimes (and I don’t mean in the physical way, unfortunately, but that’s a different story). So, because I’m these two things, I HATE when people look at me and say I’m not saying the truth. Well, if I tell you, for example, that I’m a confident or a happy girl, don’t tell me something like ‘NO, YOU ARE NOT!' Honestly, DO NOT do that!!! It drives me absolutely insane!!!

So...this friend of mind LOVES doing that. Imagine this thing, that I already hate so much, being repeated a couple of times, and different topics in the same night, many occasions we go out??? I go NUTS!!! The thing is, I really, really love her, and I reckon we are great mates, but lately, I think she’s been having trouble to hear me a bit, and she’s been concentrating on something she might want me to be or do or... I don’t fucking know!! I just hate the fact that a person that I love so much and I care so much for, gets me wrong many times. And the thing is, if a person reads this open book, they can easily tell that I’m not a liar, and I’m quite open about how I feel, sometimes waaaayyyy to open, actually. So, why I’d say something that I don’t really feel or think to a great friend?? And the point is, if I say something, that’s fine to someone to criticize it, I promise. I love constructive criticism, I swear!!! But If I say I feel this way, or I’m that way, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT say, ‘Paula, you’re not!!! Because I’ll get very, very angry, and I’ll say back, ‘who the fuck are you again, to say that??’ Am I being rude??? But honestly, I think I’ve even written here before that I hate when people say I do something that I don’t or say I don’t feel in a way that I actually do.

And let’s say one fair thing here. Soooo many times, when I’m in trouble with myself, I overlook or hide things about me, INTENTIONALLY. I do it!! Isn’t that normal to human beings!??!!? So I do it!!! And sometimes my friends come to tell me, you’re overlooking this or that, and I agree. If I don’t want to talk about it, I’ll say it!! But don’t come to tell me that I’m overlooking something that I’m not, and still insist that I am, after I say I’m not. Because I’m very honest and transparent, as I said before, and I have no reason to lie, right?

It sounds(reads) like I’ve said too much already. I hope no one gets upset here... it’s just random feelings...sigh...I better leave now... tchau!!! heheehhhehe

I miss myself!

I think today has been the first day I took off to myself since I arrived back in Brazil. And I’m loving it!!! Man, I don’t know why, but I’ve been finding it very hard to spare some time to enjoy my own company. Not because I’m not fun, actually, the opposite, let's be honest here, I’m damn good! But because I’ve been feeling a don’t have space to do this anymore. I’ve been feeling suffocated, as if I’m inside a room, and the walls are very close to me. So I try hard to skip out these walls, and I always end up ignoring that I need this time to myself. That’s really sad!!! Even though I lived in Australia with my ex-babe, and friends, and more friends, I always found some free time to dedicate it to myself. So many times I would go shopping for something I wanted to cook, for a bottle of wine I wanted to have and a movie I wanted to watch, and go home to do all that by myself. Geez, that was so much fun!!! Here in Brazil, I don’t really know why, but I can’t find the opportunity to do that.

I’ve been working long hours, and catching up with people everyday-single-day. The worst thing of all that, is that I soooo miss myself. As I continue with this routine, I feel that I’ve been getting away from my thoughts, my will and most importantly, my focus!! I’ve just arrived back in Brazil, and sooo many things started happening so quickly for me, since my first day back, that I reckon I haven’t even had time to realize that I moved back here. And now, I’m suffering the consequences...

And I find it very interesting how, because of that, I can see a huge change in my personality, my mood, my tolerance. The problem is, this change is NOT for the best, for sure!!! With the lack of time for myself, I get very, very restless, I get very sincere and sarcastic. And you might be thinking that this may be a good thing. Man, believe me, that’s NOT!!! You’d hate the comments I’d say to you if you dared cross my way. I get soooo sarcastic, that I really start hating how evil I get, and how shitty I make people feel. I’m not proud of that!!! The thing is, I tell no lies, I promise!!! But I tell true that people don’t want to hear, and I gotta stop with that!

I feel really sorry for those people who say they can’t be by themselves. Ten years ago, I used to be one of them. But now a days, once I learned how to enjoy my own company and how much I gained with a quiet moment with myself, I started appreciating that more and more, and I’m getting a bit crazy for not having the time to do that often.

O good example of all that is the fact that I hadn’t posted for four months!! I love writing about my thoughts and my feelings, but I hadn’t stopped to do that for such a long time!!! Today, I woke up at a friend’s place, and when I left there, I thought, "I will spend some time with me today". Geez, I’m having a ball!!!

I guess this post was intentionally made for me, by me. Maybe just to encourage myself to stop a bit, breath in, and do what I like so much; be my own company, just like today. Today is Sunday here in Brazil, and I want to start my week with a different attitude, being what I like to be, doing what I like to do. And to get that, I need some time to think and to spend it with myself.

Well, I hope it means I’ll start writing back again. I need to share some stories and experiences that I’ve lived since I arrived back here.

But I just want to say, I’m good, I’m great, I just miss myself. But I guess that’s normal. I’m such a great chick that it’s only fair I want to be around myself all the time, huh??? ;-)