Call me crazy

Saturday night I went out to a very cool bar for a boogie. It was actually a friend's birthday. The night was going great!!! A heap of girlfriends dancing, talking crap, taking crazy photos (I'll post it here for you once I have them, I promise), it couldn't go wrong, could it? And it didn't. We had a ball, we laughed our ass off as we hadn't for a while. Just one thing during the night kinda of annoyed me. And before I tell you the story, I'm just letting you know right ahead, and you can call me crazy if you want, but I don't like those very hot, good lucking, stud muffing guys, you know?!? They are full of shit!!!

Well, I saw this guy, soooo handsome, tall, dark skin, black hair, hot body, well dressed, just hot!!! He was standing right next to me. I saw him arriving, I looked at him and I did what I always do when this type of guy gets next to me; don't give a shit!! Then he left. I like smart guys, with a cute nerd kinda intellectual look, that can make me laugh, that can make me feel special, mysterious, who can treat me like a lady (or not in the right moments, wink, wink), well, enough with the dirty talk. Later on, I went to the bar to get a drink and he came to talk to me. The conversation went like that:

Him: "Oh, it's so hard to find a tall girl. You have not a clue of how I suffer with that." (7 secs)

Me (looking bored and not interested): "Hum...hum!" (1 sec)

Him: "So...what your name?" (2 sec)

Me: "Paula" (half a sec)

Him: "I saw you over there..." (2 secs)

So, after 12-and-a-half secs, only people, ONLY, this guys says:

"So, love, what can I do to give you a kiss??"

Me: Oh, LOVE, it would be easier to find life in another planet before you kiss me!!!

WTF??? What's wrong with these guys?? I wonder if this is all our fault. I mean, us girls who allow guys like that or any other type of guy behave like that. I've been feeling so disrespected here in Brazil. Guys here treat girls like shit. And the controversy is that you don't need to sleep with a guy, or worse, you don't even need to kiss him for him to treat you like shit or think he's better than you!! Good men in Brazil are so rare to find, that's not funny. And after you have such a healthy relationship, with a awesome man, respectful, supportive, caring, loving, like I had, I'm a bit worried about not ever finding someone to share a life with, someone that's worth my attention, my care, my feelings, my dedication, my companionship. I'm thinking about making a business out of lack of decent man here and start to import men to Brazil. I might even make some money out of this. Is anyone out there interested in meeting some Brazilian chicks??

Just like dad

You know when you look at someone and you think: "Gosh, I'm soooo like that person"? I saw myself doing that for years and years and years with regards to dad. Everywhere I went, people would say the same thing to me, how dad and I were so much alike. And I could see it all the time. The thing is, dad has a few things about him that not only me, but everyone who knows him really like it. He's funny, communicative, entertaining, friendly. But there are sooooooo many things about his personality that I just cannot put up with. And even that, I took after him (really sad!!).

When I was 17, I convinced mum to let me see a shrink. Honestly, it was one of the best things ever. Although my family was totally against it, I managed to spend 10 months in therapy. I'd say my main goal was to stop being like dad. And I reckon I got close to it. It's weird how dad and I relate to each other. It's a very undefined relationship we have going on. I can't say that on his behalf, but I have to admit that myself, in particular, have countless issues with regards to him. I don't really know what exactly I feel for him, and for sure it isn't simply love. Actually, I'm not sure if I got that at all. Dad has hurt me, and mum and my brother soooo many times that I just cannot heal. When I'm allowing myself to relax and trust he has changed, I get hurt again. I've created a thick skin, and it's like he can't get through me anymore. I've lost all the respect for him as a man and as a father. It's really sad. I'm sure what I have isn't hate, but disappointment and indifference. I think he means no harm, and his behaviour has a lot to do with his childhood. I reckon my grandparents didn't teach dad much about family, love, companionship, sharing, and all the great feelings mum has taught us. So how could he give it to us, if he doesn't even know what's like?!?

I find it soooo sad how he does things sometimes that actually make me ache physically. Sometimes it has nothing to do with me, but it still aches. It also aches to feel the way I do, to have this endless anger on me. And although I've learned he won't change, and I have to accept him the way he is, sometimes I lose my mind and I go nuts at him, we argue, we say stuff, it's awful. I really would like to learn how to forgive and forget. I wish I could just block the bad feelings and be able to only spend delightful times with him, just like I do with mum.

Well, but as I always say, nothing is 100% bad. And this isn't gonna scape the rule. The positive thing about having the weirdest relationship with dad, is that it made me a better person. All the bad stuff I took after him have been controlled by my own conscious. Everytime I'm about to act like dad, I remember how much I hate his behaviour, and I hold it back. But most importantly, it'll make me a better parent, that's for sure!! I learned with my own father, through his behaviour, how not to be a bad parent. I'm sure I won't make the same mistakes as he has with my brother's and mine up bringing. That's important, I reckon!! Learning from my father's mistake.

I don't want to finish without saying something nice about him though. I reckon God (BTW, I believe in God) has given him a second chance. Gos had given him a grandson who is crazy about him. And I have to admit he's doing great as a grandfather. Maybe he's realized it's time to catch up with what he had failed before.

Gimme answers!!!

I've got so many questions that I don't even know where to start. I actually bold them so you can help me figure this shit out!!! Well, let's start with something that happened to me this week, and I almost lost my sleep over it. But before that, let me give you an introduction about my friendships. I'm a very loyal friend. I'm always there for when my friends need me or an advice, or a bit of attention, a pad on the back or even to tell them they are wrong. I'm very opened to them and I always say what I think in the best way I can to not offend them, but to open their eyes regarding any matter. Most of my friends have some characteristics similar to mine, but mainly, we are all very different. And we all respect each other, therefore there are a few things that we shouldn't even argued about, because we just think differently.

A while ago I was seeing this guy. One night we had planned to go out for drinks. I ended up inviting a couple of friends to come along. One of the girls actually came along ahead in the car with me. The other girls were coming later. When I went to pick up this guy, with her, he brought along a friend. She hadn't met neither of them at that stage, so she was VERY, VERY uncomfortable to be going out with this two guys and me, as she had a partner, and she said it didn't look good for a committed girl to be in a public place with two guys and a girlfriend. She said it looked like there were two couples. I apologised for the situation but to be honest, I didn't really think it was a big deal. Her partner has to trust her, and as long as she didn't kiss, hug or did something sexual with the guy, what was the problem??? But as I said, we are different and I just tried to respect it.

Well, this week, I went out with this same girl and two other guys. But these two guys are two of our best friends. So there wasn't a problem at all for her to be with me and two other guys in a public place then, right??? My question is, WTF????? Am I being wrong here, or maybe too liberal, or disrespectful, or stupid??? I reckon that's double standards, am I wrong?? Please point that out to me. Why can she go out looking like two couples with friends but not with her friend's date and another guy?? Because her partner will find that not good??? But shouldn't he trust her no matter what??? Why are Brazilian SO FULL OF SHIT??? I'm so sick of this crap!!! People here are full of shit!!

And let's not stop here. Please listen, I have another story and more questions. Have I told you that I'm the only single girl in my group of friends? I'm not complaining, and that's not even the point. But the question here is; if I'm going out to a bloody awesome concert, that I intend to dance heaps, DANCE ONLY (that is, no intention whatsoever to have any encounter with a guy, and I'm being honest), what's wrong with me willing to go with a friend without her boyfriend?? I mean, if she chooses to bring the boyfriend along, fine! But am I allowed to have an opinion, and that being, I'd rather to have a moment with my girlfriend without her boyfriend?? And that's not because I'm gonna take her to cheat on him (because I'm not like that, and I respect and value fidelity), but because if I want to dance with her, she won't be able to, because the boyfriend we'll be complaining. I know already the story!!

Well, I was judged this week just because I said to a friend I'd like to spend a bit of money in a concert, to go with her, if her boyfriend wasn't coming. But I said that because she said he probably wouldn't go at the first place. I have the right!! And I really like him, but not to go with for a concert to dance, that's bloody all!!

I'm just so sad that this girlfriend of mine, who know me so well, and know that I don't encourage, in fact I don't like infidelity, still make me feel like the "SINGLE girl - the CURSE". Just because I don't think men are the only reason to live, and I'm not the conventional type, it doesn't mean that I'll destroy every relationship in the world neither encourage my friends to disrespect their partners. And this friend is one who knows me well and know all that!!!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really a freak who will never find someone because I'm way too open mind, and because I believe in relationships that do not function based ONLY AND EXCLUSIVELY on what society dictates is a good behaviour for women. Please, gimme answers!!!!

What a joke!

Although it's a joke, I'm not laughing at all. I actually think I should bust in tears. That's all because of the local elections, here in Brazil. We went yesterday to vote for our mayor and local members, and I did it for the first time ever, as I was away for ages. Man, I found it hard to pick my candidates. Brazilians are very hopeful, we always believe we are improving, things are changing, that people from the opposition can make a difference.

Maybe, because I was overseas, I opened my mind a bit more, and I lost this Brazilian spirit that "oh, we're getting better!", to replace it for something realistic. What we have here in Brazil isn't politics. It's an organised (or maybe disorganised) festival for a small and selected (by the people) group of high class thieves that are more worried about enjoying life with public money rather than improving health, education, security, employment rates etc.

Some people actually say the country is in a better condition, that poor people aren't that poor anymore, and uneducated people are getting education, and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Let me paint you a picture; firstly, the president came up with this plan called something like 'family package'. It's some "almost nothing" amount of money to make the poor people shut up and think he's helping. With education, they build heaps and heaps of beautiful buildings they call schools, but they forget to hire and pay teachers to teach. So, how can the kids learn something? The drug industry here in Brazil is run by the people in the 'favelas' in partnership with the police and the politicians. High profile judges order high class sons of a bitch to be released from jail because... oh, just because. Politicians here, to steal public money, come up with the weirdest road works, and get overcharged by the construction companies, to get half of the profit.

Politicians here are bribed, corrupted, blackmailed, it's shit! To pick my candidates, I couldn't even say "oh, this one is honest" because there isn't such a thing. It's actually accepted that they steal public money, because it's common. People here say "oh, such and such steal but at least he as a good administrator", or they say "I'm gonna vote in such and such because she is easy to bribe", or, even worse, I friend of mine, who is also a journo, said he was gonna vote for someone who was TOTALLY corrupted because this candidate was a good source for his articles. I'm like "what the fuck?!??!?!?". Do you believe a drag queen with NO, ZERO, political plan made the cut because people here think elections is a joke?

I'm not sure if I'm being radical or maybe blind, and Brazil is, in fact, going in the right direction. I hope so. I hope all the Brazilians are totally right to be positive about our country and I'm the only dumb thing surviving. I'm hoping that I'm wrong about having no hope.

Totally shameless!!

Man, I tell you, Brazilian people are so shameless!! And I don't mean it because of their short shorts, nor tiny bikinis or not much cloth on during carnaval. I'm not even going there. They're shameless with regards to what they say. Well, I tell stuff about my life right open, with no discretion, out loud, not worrying much about what people think. But here in Brazil, or at least in the city I live in, people say stuff to you that I just don't get it!

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with being honest, but in some cases some discretion is required. For example, the other day I was having my nails done, and these two beauticians were talking to each other, including me in the conversation, how the other client was annoying! And I'm like "Oh my God!!! These two girls are having a bitch about a client sitting pretty close to me!!! Imagine if she was my mother??". I think that's a huge lack of common sense.

Also, I was in this private kids' playground picking up my nephew. The attendant was telling me (she didn't have a clue who the hell I was!) something like "that guy there is the father of this little boy here, and he is a tide arse!!!", And I'm like "HOLLY FATHER OF GOD!!! This woman is nuts!" Imagine if he was my husband, cousin, brother or whatever? And she said that without me even asking...

I think there is a huge difference between speaking up your mind and defaming someone. One involves you expressing your opinion about your personality or your opinion about something that is general knowledge. The other thing is you defaming someone, making people believe something about another person that they don't even know well. I think this is so wrong and very, very rude. Well, unfortunately I have to admit that people from the part of Brazil I come from are very rude and impolite (I know, I'm generalising, and I shouldn't! But oh well, it's just to help you understand my point). Man, that embarrasses me badly. Maybe I used to be like that. But after a few years living overseas, I sure learned some manners.

I wish people here looked a bit more to their own floors, and unreasonably criticized people less. I'm not sure if I'm being double standards here, but I don't think that's the case. I know I say heaps and heaps of stuff, I bitch a LOT, but I try hard not to defame people. That's not nice, and it's rude!!! I'm shameless with regards to a few things, but I try to preserve names or something similar that would easily identify a person. Well, that's the least I can do if I'm having a bitch about them, right? hehehehe...

Peaceful soul, bloody priceless!!!

I should be embarrassed to turn up here after 4 bloody months. But you know what, I'm like that! I don't give a rat's ass. I don't ask you to come and visit me. I have to admit though, that I appreciate very much your company, but don't come here nagging for more attention because I just cannot handle it at the moment. I'm here today just to let you know that I'm alive. I'm surviving Brazil... hooray!!! Honestly, the whole excitement doesn't come because of that, but because I'm finally in peace with myself. Not sure about in peace with Brazil yet. That's a totally different story...

Yeah, wondering why I have a peaceful soul?!?!? Or maybe how to get one?!? I'm afraid I'll have to inform you that they are NOT for sale. I have not a clue how I got into this stage of my life, but I have to let you know it feels bloody great! You should try it!!! That's all about being able to come and go to wherever hell you want to, whoever company you choose to go with, at any time you like. It's all about not needing someone to present to society with the excuse that you're a not a miserable single person. In fact, I LOVE being single!!! Note that I hope to not be single for the rest of my life. I really, really want to have a family, with a loving husband and children!!! But Gosh, not now!!! I'm enjoying my freedom, learning about myself, creating my boundaries, focusing on what really matters to me now, professional life, family, friends, fun times, laughter!!! Oh Gosh, it feels good!!!

I guess this whole conversation came about 5 months ago or so, when a friend of mine said he didn't want a girlfriend (he's been single for 3 years ish), because a peaceful soul was priceless. At that point, I didn't understand what he meant, and I felt sorry for him. But now, I know it and I get it and it's great!! Also, as all my girlfriends are seeing someone, and as I 'watch' their relationship, I see they all have their issues, things that I just don't feel like dealing with right now. So I'm just happy that I don't have anything to worry about at the moment but myself... am I being selfish here??? Oh well, I don't care. I just feel great!!! But please, I cannot deny that there are still little issues that I've been dealing with since I got back, and they annoy the hell out of me. But I feel I can handle all these issues better because I have great support for this journey; my peaceful soul!!!!

Time flies!!!

It’s crazy how time goes by soooo fast!!! I remember so well a year and a bit ago, a friend of mine calling me like a maniac!! I was in Australia, and she was here in Brazil. She kept ringing me in the weirdest times, because of the time difference, and I kept missing her calls. I knew she had something important to say, though. It had to be something very important due to her persistence!!!

I remember so well those phone calls. And as a good friend that I am (excuse-me!!!), I knew exactly what she had to tell me; she was getting married to her school-time sweet hart. Man, I was so excited, happy, pleased for her!!! And she was ringing me then to give me enough time to get organised and make the trip to Brazil for her wedding.

I remember telling her that there was nothing in the world that you’d make me miss something so important to her, and obviously, so important to me. I remember talking to my (ex)babe at the time, and we both were going to make the effort to come for the wedding.

Now, a year and five months later, I’m here getting prepared for her wedding that will be on tomorrow. I’m running to get the dress, shoes, make up, hair, everything organised. I’m so excited for this wedding, that it even seems like I’m the one to get married tomorrow. But I guess that’s how you’d feel when one of your best friends gets married. Specially because she’s the first one of us to tie the knot. I’m also happy for her because her husband to be is a wonderful man. He’s lovely, intelligent, understanding, hard-working, he’s great!!! And I reckon they deserve each other, that’s for sure. I reckon the party will be beautiful and full of positive energy. I can’t wait!!

But what has made me think a couple of times lately (I promise, only a few times!), is that a year and five months isn’t that much!! And when she rang me to give me the fantastic news about her wedding, my life was so different to what it is now. I’m not going to say that it’s better or worse, so let’s keep it as different. I was with my (ex)babe, thinking about my wedding. I had no plans whatsoever to come back to Brazil, I had just started a new job, I had just moved to a great house, with the girls, I was in a different stage of my life. How can everything change so quickly?!??!?!? I cannot even believe that, when she rang to tell me about the wedding, I was worried about the logistical and financing issues of coming over from Australia. And now, after all, I didn’t even need to worry about those issues, because I’m living here, and it has been like that for six months already!!!

The time has gone sooooo fast indeed. And it’s crazy when you stop and analyse how quickly your life can change!!! I really don’t know where all this comes from, but I have to admit I’m not used yet with how deeply my life has changed in so little time!!

I guess I’d like to give you a piece of advise. Not because I know everything, because I don’t!!! But just because that’s something new I learned very recently, with all these past changes in my life. We make up plans for our lives, and I find it very important to do so. In fact, it’s essential, in my opinion, to have a plan in which one wants to follow to achieve their objective. However, be prepared for the obstacles in the way and, more important, be aware that things are changing all the time. You need to be flexible because things might not go in the direction you want to and you need to learn how to deal with the unexpected.

I think I knew that, but not as much as I should of. I dealt with the unexpected as I could, but I’m still not sure how good it was. I still think that, almost a year later, I’m still feeling a bit lost with how I should move on with my life after the changes, and I’m still not sure why those changes happened to me. It’s really annoying when you aren’t prepared for the unexpected. It makes things harder to swallow… so be aware of the changes, and try to embrace it!!! They may seem to be for the worse, but after some time, you’ll find the positive side of it all. That’s what I’m searching for at the moment!!!

Sigh...feeling better...

I loved how I felt the whole day today!!! I reckon that spending the day yesterday, in my own company did me some good, and thank God for that!!! I woke up feeling very light, and during the whole day I had this peaceful soul inside me. I even had a few evil thoughts going through my mind (and there always are heheehehe), but I resisted it and I didn’t spread my poison at all. I just kept quiet, and had a nasty smile in the corner of my lips.

I reckon that’s healthy, though!! If I keep going in this direction, I’ll be a better person. I’ll still be a person with (strong) opinion, but I might just share it with people who can handle it, rather than every ordinary person. It’s not every-single-person in this world that can handle the truth, right?? I reckon only a few of us can, actually, just like you and me.

Anyway, lately I’ve been having an issue with a very dear, dear friend of mind. I absolutely love her, but since I came back from Australia, it feels that we argue or disagree 110% of the time we see each other, which it’s not a great figure, you may agree. Well, you might be wondering what the issue is, and I’ll tell you my friend. One of the things I hate the most is when someone says I’m lying . Because I rarely lie!!!! I’m very honest and transparent, which is one reason why I get f@cked sometimes (and I don’t mean in the physical way, unfortunately, but that’s a different story). So, because I’m these two things, I HATE when people look at me and say I’m not saying the truth. Well, if I tell you, for example, that I’m a confident or a happy girl, don’t tell me something like ‘NO, YOU ARE NOT!' Honestly, DO NOT do that!!! It drives me absolutely insane!!!

So...this friend of mind LOVES doing that. Imagine this thing, that I already hate so much, being repeated a couple of times, and different topics in the same night, many occasions we go out??? I go NUTS!!! The thing is, I really, really love her, and I reckon we are great mates, but lately, I think she’s been having trouble to hear me a bit, and she’s been concentrating on something she might want me to be or do or... I don’t fucking know!! I just hate the fact that a person that I love so much and I care so much for, gets me wrong many times. And the thing is, if a person reads this open book, they can easily tell that I’m not a liar, and I’m quite open about how I feel, sometimes waaaayyyy to open, actually. So, why I’d say something that I don’t really feel or think to a great friend?? And the point is, if I say something, that’s fine to someone to criticize it, I promise. I love constructive criticism, I swear!!! But If I say I feel this way, or I’m that way, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT say, ‘Paula, you’re not!!! Because I’ll get very, very angry, and I’ll say back, ‘who the fuck are you again, to say that??’ Am I being rude??? But honestly, I think I’ve even written here before that I hate when people say I do something that I don’t or say I don’t feel in a way that I actually do.

And let’s say one fair thing here. Soooo many times, when I’m in trouble with myself, I overlook or hide things about me, INTENTIONALLY. I do it!! Isn’t that normal to human beings!??!!? So I do it!!! And sometimes my friends come to tell me, you’re overlooking this or that, and I agree. If I don’t want to talk about it, I’ll say it!! But don’t come to tell me that I’m overlooking something that I’m not, and still insist that I am, after I say I’m not. Because I’m very honest and transparent, as I said before, and I have no reason to lie, right?

It sounds(reads) like I’ve said too much already. I hope no one gets upset here... it’s just random feelings...sigh...I better leave now... tchau!!! heheehhhehe

I miss myself!

I think today has been the first day I took off to myself since I arrived back in Brazil. And I’m loving it!!! Man, I don’t know why, but I’ve been finding it very hard to spare some time to enjoy my own company. Not because I’m not fun, actually, the opposite, let's be honest here, I’m damn good! But because I’ve been feeling a don’t have space to do this anymore. I’ve been feeling suffocated, as if I’m inside a room, and the walls are very close to me. So I try hard to skip out these walls, and I always end up ignoring that I need this time to myself. That’s really sad!!! Even though I lived in Australia with my ex-babe, and friends, and more friends, I always found some free time to dedicate it to myself. So many times I would go shopping for something I wanted to cook, for a bottle of wine I wanted to have and a movie I wanted to watch, and go home to do all that by myself. Geez, that was so much fun!!! Here in Brazil, I don’t really know why, but I can’t find the opportunity to do that.

I’ve been working long hours, and catching up with people everyday-single-day. The worst thing of all that, is that I soooo miss myself. As I continue with this routine, I feel that I’ve been getting away from my thoughts, my will and most importantly, my focus!! I’ve just arrived back in Brazil, and sooo many things started happening so quickly for me, since my first day back, that I reckon I haven’t even had time to realize that I moved back here. And now, I’m suffering the consequences...

And I find it very interesting how, because of that, I can see a huge change in my personality, my mood, my tolerance. The problem is, this change is NOT for the best, for sure!!! With the lack of time for myself, I get very, very restless, I get very sincere and sarcastic. And you might be thinking that this may be a good thing. Man, believe me, that’s NOT!!! You’d hate the comments I’d say to you if you dared cross my way. I get soooo sarcastic, that I really start hating how evil I get, and how shitty I make people feel. I’m not proud of that!!! The thing is, I tell no lies, I promise!!! But I tell true that people don’t want to hear, and I gotta stop with that!

I feel really sorry for those people who say they can’t be by themselves. Ten years ago, I used to be one of them. But now a days, once I learned how to enjoy my own company and how much I gained with a quiet moment with myself, I started appreciating that more and more, and I’m getting a bit crazy for not having the time to do that often.

O good example of all that is the fact that I hadn’t posted for four months!! I love writing about my thoughts and my feelings, but I hadn’t stopped to do that for such a long time!!! Today, I woke up at a friend’s place, and when I left there, I thought, "I will spend some time with me today". Geez, I’m having a ball!!!

I guess this post was intentionally made for me, by me. Maybe just to encourage myself to stop a bit, breath in, and do what I like so much; be my own company, just like today. Today is Sunday here in Brazil, and I want to start my week with a different attitude, being what I like to be, doing what I like to do. And to get that, I need some time to think and to spend it with myself.

Well, I hope it means I’ll start writing back again. I need to share some stories and experiences that I’ve lived since I arrived back here.

But I just want to say, I’m good, I’m great, I just miss myself. But I guess that’s normal. I’m such a great chick that it’s only fair I want to be around myself all the time, huh??? ;-)

Cheers to a fanta-bulous weekend!!!

Man, I had the best weekend EVER!!! As it was my second last weekend in Ozland, I thought I might as well go nuts!! And so I did. Everything started with a very, very great mate, Oscar, coming over from SAD-Adelaide (the name of the city is Adelaide but the place's soooo boring that people here in Australia call it Sad- Adelaide) to visit me. We met a few years back at uni, and as I’m flying back to Brazil in 10 days for good, he thought it would be a good idea to give me a ‘good bye’ hug personaly. How sweet!!!

Well, he came over to Brissie Thursday last week, and then the party started. Everything started with a carton of beer, nice dips and cheese in my front deck on the evening he arrived. On Friday we went to Wet’n’Wild for some childish fun. Man, that was fun indeed!!! The weather was just sensational, typical of Queensland. A part of going crazy at the rides, I got the best tan, just how I like it!! After some adrenaline released on my body, we went back home for some alcohol. We had a few beers there with my flatmate (Ash) and his girlfriend, also my dear friend (Sharon) and all of us went for dinner in my favourite (and the coolest!) restaurant in town. As we walked into the restaurant, the owner, who’s a friend of mine, ordered us a bottle of sparkling wine in the house (very posh!!). And a few bottles later, and some dirty, dirty talking (that’s what drunk people do, talk dirty!! Hum, you must be nodding right now agreeing with me, huh??? I know!!), we found the dance floor. Man, we did some serious dancing, and ass shaking, I tell you. The sound track was inspired by the 80’s, and the DJ was bloody awesome!!! We had a ball!!! I was way off my head when we went back home. But as if the sparkling wine wasn’t enough, we decided to have some Gin t’s too at home.

The Saturday also promised to be big. I woke up and felt as if a train had hit me. But I didn’t let it pull me down. I had big plans for that day too, and I had to be ready for it. Oscar and I left home around midday and went to another friend’s place, right on the river, with the most beautiful view. We relaxed there for a few hours, drank some beer to start with, and then we jumped to the delicious, yummy, tasty mango Martini, made by one of the gals… she’s sooo good at making cocktails, she kills me with them. We left around 9.30ish and went to this cool bar called Glass. Guess what?? We drank there too. We met a few other guys there, and we all went to a nightclub afterwards for a boogie. Man, I danced hard and hard again. I hadn’t done that much dancing for ages… I had so much fun!! It was sooo good to spend time with this mate of mine from SAD-Adelaide, after so many years… and I reckon he enjoyed himself heaps too.

On Sunday, everyone was absolutely exhausted, and we decided to rest (not!). We went to this lovely bowls club there is here in Brissie, right in front of the river. We got there around noon and only left about 7ish. It was sooo nice to have a ‘chill out’ day, a few cold beers, a nice meal and some nonsense, spaced out conversation…

My weekend was definitely fanta-bulous!! I really enjoyed being able to do whatever I wanted to, without worrying much about stuff, feeling guilty, being able to relax. As it was my second last weekend here, I wanted to make the most out of it. And so I did. I’ll miss this place soooo much. Australia has been home for such a long time. It’ll hurt to leave. But I’ll survive, and I’m looking forward to getting in my new old home.

Here are some pics for you to amuse yourself. Enjoy it!!!

Friday night:

B, Ash and myself



Myself, Ash and Sharon



Everyone at dinner (way drunk already!)



Saturday:

Myself, Oscar, B and Mi - Yummy mango Martini



Ben, myself and Tristan



Myself, Oscar, Liesel and Mi



Myself, Oscar and Mi



Mi, Ben, myself and ops!! dunno



Sunday:

Myself and Mi at the bowls club



Everyone at the bowls club

He's chauvinist!!!

My brother once said he reckons I wish I was born a man. I think this is ludicrous!!! Me?!?!? Wish to be born a man?!?!?! I couldn’t think of anything worse. But the interesting thing is he says so because I LOVE cars, especially the big, chunky 4WDs. Also, because I LOVE bikes.

I always said I was going to have a beautiful Wrangler to do some dirty, dirty off road tracks one day. And, off course, I was going to be behind the wheels. I always said that I was going to have a couple of bikes to travel around a few places on my holidays, especially a hot Harley to travel with all the bikies.

I think it’s very silly to say that only guys do that. That’s very chauvinist!!!

But the point of this post isn’t how male alike my brother reckons I am. The point is that I had the chance to go for a little ride (really little ride) on a hot, hot, hot Harley last weekend. I couldn’t believe how cool it is!! The sound of its exhauster was music to my ears…check out the photos. I was so excited!!! I so wish this Harley was mine :-(

Having a big laugh!!!

This is freaking hilarious!!!! Ben (you've heard of him here) and I always crack up with some Internet movies we find around. We specially enjoy the Japanese ones. They are sooo funny!!! I got one here for you to have a look. Enjoy it!!!

Men are weird!!

Honestly, I don’t get it!!! Let me tell you this story. On my way from Brazil, my flight was canceled before I left Auckland to Australia. Everyone in that flight had to stay over in New Zealand for the night. There was a group of seven Brazilians, including myself, hanging out. We were all set to stay in the same hotel. It was quite fun, actually, we got a few (yes, right! A few!) beers and stayed in the hotel the whole day drinking piss.

Apart from myself, they were all traveling to Australia for the first time. Everyone was curious and very excited about the whole thing, as you would. They asked me heaps and heaps of questions and I was the one elected to deal with the situation, because of my English. I was the person who talked to the hotel people, the airline etc. Well, to summarize, I was being very nice, patient, answering all their questions, helping them out as much as I could. You know, I like helping people because I’m a very sweet person. Yes, I am!!!

Anyway, one of the guys didn’t speak a word in English. And not only that, it was his first time leaving Brazil. And not only that either, it was his first time in an airplane... owww! So, he felt safe around me, for some reason. And we hung out a lot. I didn’t mind helping him out at all. He was a nice guy, and I kinda imagine he was going through a difficult situation. But there was nothing going on between us, for sure!!! I was being helpful, he found someone to count on, and that was the deal. No flirting whatsoever, I promise!

So, the next day when we arrived at the airport (bloody 3.30am, mind you), everyone was going nuts. As our flight had been canceled the day before, everyone was trying to get into flights that morning. The airport was crowded, and the Air New Zealand staff (the loveliest and most helpful people!!) was trying really hard to fit everyone into flights. The seven of us finally got our flight arrangements, but not everyone together. Four of us went first, then two, and finally the last one. Guess who was the unlucky, lonely one??? My little buddy!!! Poor guy, I felt sooooo sorry for him. I could see on his eyes he was about to have a nerve-break-down. I reckon he would have taken the first plane back to Brazil if he could. I really felt for him and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Poor boy, he couldn’t speak English, and his flight was only two o’clock that arvo (long time to go, if you’ve been in the airport since 3.30am).

Well, once I got home and things were settled I sent him an email asking for some news. He got me very worried when I left NZ, you know!! Now, guess what he wrote back to me?? Something on those lines: “I’m fine, thanks for asking. I really would like you to come and spend a weekend with me in Sydney because you’re a hottie!!!!” WHAT THE?????

After all my dedication and concern, all he can think about is a nice pair of legs and the big (and natural – excuse me!!) boobs?!??!?!?! Oh, please!!!! Why are men like that?? I really appreciate when a guy compliment me in the way I look. But I’m much more than that!!! I like when guys go past this point, and say something a bit more original like I’m funny, I’m authentic, intelligent or maybe I’m honest, I don’t know!! Just don’t say you want spend the weekend with me because I’m hot!! I’ll punch you in the face and you’ll see how a hot girl can cool you down very quickly.

Awkward situation...

You know, when you are in the bus, and you want to offer a lady your seat because she seems pregnant but you are not sure if you should, because she might not be pregnant after all?

It happened to me this morning and I really hate this situation. I don't want to embarrass the lady, but I don't want to embarrass myself either...

What the hell do you do in a situation like that???

It sounds like a decision here

I could still smell the rain from the night before. The streets weren’t wet though. I wondered if the lighting and the rain came only inside my head, or maybe just above my house, my roof.

I crossed the road in the same usual spot. I walked up the same set of stairs, I set down on the little corner that I always have, waiting for the 323. In the background I could hear the beautiful sound of a sax - my favourite instrument. That was the only novelty to that scenario. The people walking by were the same, wearing pretty much the same clothes as always. Familiar faces doing daily, exactly what I was doing… going to work.

It seemed like I had never left. I seemed like I wasn’t way for three months. But the true is, I felt totally different, everything smelt differently, and suddenly I wasn’t as comfortable as usual. Something was missing…

Things here may not have changed at all in the past three months, but my life, oh my life, it has changed totally, upside down. And when I say ‘upside down’, I don’t mean that my life isn’t good, I just mean that things have changed TOTALLY!!! My plans from a few months back make no sense anymore. And plans that seemed so far to occur now seem perfectly suitable for the moment I’m in. How ironic!!!

This place doesn’t feel so right anymore. I’m missing something or maybe a few things. As days go by I notice that everything is becoming clearer. My time in Australia has expired and I want to go home for good.

I miss my family, friends, all the beloved ones. I miss my culture, my food, and the good times. That I’ll miss Australia, the lovely, lovely friends I met here, all the crazy moments of freedom I had, that’s for sure!!! But we should know when it’s time to abandon the ship. And this time has come for me, pirate. I’m off!!!!

One day to go...

I've just finished my shower, and before I could realize I was busting in tears. Very sad, I know! I hate seeing people crying, specially when the person crying is actually me! Now you ask, 'why??' Good one! I'm flying back to Australia in a day, and for the first time in 6 bloody years, I'm confused, confused and confused... ah!!! I'm also thorn apart.
Every time I come to Brazil for holidays, I always, always count the days to head back home, Australia that is. I'm always so excited that I can't barely sleep. I'm usually smiling away, singing (very badly), cheering, all those things that happy people do. Now, busting in tears is DEFINITELY a reaction that has never occurred to me before, a few days prior my trip back to Australia.
The past four weeks have been a bit hard for me. I hope I'm not exaggerating (that's what I usually do) but I've been really frustrated. This is the first time in Brazil that I actually see myself living back here. This is the first time that my friends ask me A LOT to come back. Maybe they've always done that and now it's the first time I hear it, I don't know. I just wonder though why this doubt? I really love Australia, and I have a life of my own there. But I wonder if the break up with my (ex)babe is telling me something. Maybe it's telling me that it's time to go home, to my real home, close to my family and roots.
But I'm scared of being weak, fragile, stupid, anxious by deciding to come back to live in Brazil. Also, what the hell do I do with the 6 years I lived away??? Stick it up mine??? Excuse my French, but I'm very sad and frustrated!!!! No one's fault, but what should I do??? It has been such a difficult decision, and I can't wait to arrive in Australia to see how I feel there, to see if I still belong there... ahhhhh God, I'm bloody confused!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry, I hope it wasn't too loud!!! But now I feel relived for sharing that with you. Thank you! OK, I gotta go because I have one more night to get on the piss here in Brazil, at least for a while, and I have to get on with it. I should be back here soon with some decisions, I hope. And some stories too.

Take care and wish me a safe flight.

I'm coming back...

Well, well, well, look who has popped in to say 'hi'... ME!!!!!!!!

I bet you thought I was caught by one of the natives in the Amazon, or was eaten alive by the piranhas, or maybe took the carnival troop around Brazil, partying very hard and drinking way too much, missing my flight back to Australia...

I'm sorry to disappoint you but nothing like that has happened, at least not yet. However, very importantly, I have experienced some things here and I do indeed have some juicy stories up my sleeve. The question to be asked is whether I'll share them with you or not...

I'll be back "Down Under" in less than 15 days, HHOOORRRAAAYYY!!!!!!! So I'll be back here then telling you some of my adventures.

I miss my book sooooo much...and you too.

Beijos and hasta la vista.

Friday 13th

I’m not a superstitious person. I have to admit though that I can’t resist when it comes down to a perfect situation, I always spit out a superstitious expression… “Don’t put your bag on the floor because your money will go away“, “Don’t have the last piece otherwise you’ll never get married.” I always say those things out loud, but I don’t believe them at all.

Many superstitious people believe Friday 13th is evil, they bring you bad luck. Friday 13th for me, means nothing. But whenever there is a Friday 13th coming up, I say “ohhhooo this Friday is going to be Friday 13th, oohhoooo!!!”. I honestly don’t give a rat’s.

Well, ironically enough, last Friday 13th was very unlucky and evil. After 6 years of a healthy, fun, beautiful, sharing relationship, my babe and I broke up. I’m heart broken, I’m sad, shocked, angry, disappointed, lost, scared, everything!!! I didn’t see that coming, and maybe neither did he. But the bottom line is it happened and my life now will continue in a different direction.

I won’t be hopeful that we’ll get back together, but I can’t deny that I’d love it to be the case. I think he needs me as much as I need him, and that we are just perfect together. I think we maybe need a break to rethink about where we stand in this world and learn more about ourselves as individuals. And for sure this break up will either make our relationship stronger or it’ll dissolve slowly what we built together with so much love in the past 6 years.

This post is just to say so long to something that made me complete and happy for such a long time. To something that helped me grow, made me a better person and a stronger woman, to something that made me laugh and cry so many times. To something that I loved intensively, and I never wanted to let go. To something that taught me sooooo much about friendship, companionship and understanding. But most importantly, to someone that I’ll never stop loving, however love is.

I’m strong now and I’ll always be.

To you that I always called vida (life), I love you very much.

It's time to go...

Finally!!! I made my decision to go back home for a while. I’ve been finding it very hard to deal with my family’s situation from a few continents away. I’m quite exhausted of getting mum’s sad phone calls, my brother’s stressed voice tones and dad’s lack of common sense and responsibility.

I thought that it was time to go and see for myself what the problem is, and what seems to be the reason behind my family’s breakdown.

This decision was a very tough one. As I’m going for a while, I decided to give up my apartment, in one of the most beautiful spots in Brisbane, and give up my great job as well. That was even harder, as I have created a strong bond with my boss and my work mates. I also enjoy the work and I find it rewarding the company’s appreciation towards me.

I have to say though, I’m relieved now that I know I’ll be with mum soon. I’ll be there to support her and help her go through her issues. I’ll try to show her the positive side of life and encourage her to learn about and experience different things.

For my brother, I hope to support him through his decisions and maybe give him my shoulder for a cry if necessary. He might need it!! I’ll try very hard not to judge or censure his behaviour. I tend to talk too much (if you haven’t noticed) and end up saying things that maybe I shouldn’t. So I’ll try to avoid this path with him this time.

With dad, only God knows what will happen. He told me last time in the phone that he wants me to meet “someone”. That won’t happen, but I was very upset with the idea that I’ll actually gonna have to say that to him. I’ll also try to have an adult conversation with him about other things that have been going through my mind, giving me nightmares. I’m just not sure if dad knows what ‘an adult’ conversation means. I’ll have to try it out this time.

I’m a bit scared of this trip, as it doesn’t feel like a holiday. I’m a bit scared of the negative energy I’ve been feeling when I speak to my family. I’m scared that I might not be able to solve any of the problems, and end up coming back to Australia defeated by the conflicts that have taken over my family.

Sometimes I feel that because I’ve been living away from home for 6 years, I’ve become this independent person, not without a family of course – but someone who makes decisions and choices detached by the rest of the family. Does it make sense?? So, I kinda feel like an outsider, and I think, act and behave so different to them. I feel that the three of them are just sucked in by these problems and they attack each other all the time rather then make a self analyse of how each can improve individually and solve the bloody problems.

Well, as I said, I’m petrified of this trip, and I’m soooo scared of, in the end of the day, not being able to help solve the problems or at least bring some happiness and good news to my family.

I guess all I can do is try, change my approach to something more understanding and calm and pray!!!

Wish me luck!!!!

Transformers, the movie

For some crazy reason in this whole world, all the men in my life are stubborn. And I’m not talking about only men I get involved emotionally with (and physically. ehhrrr, no further details here, excuse me!), I’m talking about friends, my brother, my dad, uncles, cousins, work mates, every single one of them.

I usually say one always attracts the same type of person closer to themselves. I dunno how to explain this, but I believe a person will always find one (or maybe two or three) particular characteristic in a partner that was common to all previous partners. Well, if it hasn’t happened to you, you’re freaky!!! This happens to all people I know well.

Back to the story, the most common characteristic in men, in my personal experience is stubbornness. And as I said, it isn’t only with my partner. I get it with all my male friends and relatives as well.

Well, the movie Transformers started showing yesterday on the cinemas here in Australia. My work mate, whose desk is right across mine, was dying to see this movie, and he was counting the days for the opening. He was so excited at work yesterday, telling me how he couldn’t wait to watch the movie that night. I gave him the first piece of advice:

Me: “The cinema is going to be packed tonight with screaming kids, with their Transformer toys, running around the place, making funny noises “vvvvvvtttttt”, “paw”, shhhhtttt”, and you’ll be going nuts asking yourself what the hell your are doing there in the opening night…

He said that there were TWO, not only one, but TWO sessions around 6.15pm ish and he’s going to be fine.

Then I gave him the second piece of advice:

Me: “6pm?? That’s exactly when the parents leave work, pick up their kids and go to the opening night of a movie their kids like. A movie like Transformers, for example. Why don’t you go later???”

At that stage, I started to realise that he was just one more of the stubborn men that crosses my life and I started to have a laugh…

He went on and on about how he’d be fine as there were two sessions, and that wouldn’t be a problem.

Then I decided to give him the third and last piece of advice, but it came with a warning:

Me: “Ben, it’s 3.45pm now. If you REALLY want to make this movie tonight, you must book your ticket now in the Internet. Otherwise you won’t get seats. It has happened to me before, and I was very disappointed. And, most importantly, if you don’t get the tickets, you will miss out, and I will make sooooooo, but sooooo much fun of you that you will hate me and the Transformers forever. I’ll have no mercy!!!”

He said he’d be fine.

Ok, this morning started very well for me. As I opened the office door…

Me: “Morning Ben, how was the movie??”

Ben: “Good” (with a very shy smile)…

Me (dancing around the office): “hahaahhahahahha, hahahhahahaha, hahahahahhhaha… You hahahahha didn’t hahahha see the movie hahahahahaha, did you????

Ben: “ No, it was sold out”

Me: “hahahahahha, hahahhahaha, hahahhahahha”

So, I’ve been making fun of him the whole day.

“So Ben, what did you do after the movie last night??? Oh, sorry that’s right, you actually didn’t watch the movie. Hahahahhahahahha”

Or “You’re feeling tired??? Probably because you arrived home late from the movie last night. Oh, ops, you didn’t watch the movie hahaahahahah…”

I can be sooo mean sometimes. I soooo love that!!! But why don’t men listen??? I have to pay them out when these things happen, don’t you think???

Well, my day at work is finishing soon, and Ben and I just had the following conversation:

Me: “What are you doing tonight??”

Ben: “Watching the Transformers”

Me: “It’s 3pm, buy your ticket now…”

Ben: “It’s Friday, who will go to the cinemas tonight??”

In the story begins again…