I loved how I felt the whole day today!!! I reckon that spending the day yesterday, in my own company did me some good, and thank God for that!!! I woke up feeling very light, and during the whole day I had this peaceful soul inside me. I even had a few evil thoughts going through my mind (and there always are heheehehe), but I resisted it and I didn’t spread my poison at all. I just kept quiet, and had a nasty smile in the corner of my lips.
I reckon that’s healthy, though!! If I keep going in this direction, I’ll be a better person. I’ll still be a person with (strong) opinion, but I might just share it with people who can handle it, rather than every ordinary person. It’s not every-single-person in this world that can handle the truth, right?? I reckon only a few of us can, actually, just like you and me.
Anyway, lately I’ve been having an issue with a very dear, dear friend of mind. I absolutely love her, but since I came back from Australia, it feels that we argue or disagree 110% of the time we see each other, which it’s not a great figure, you may agree. Well, you might be wondering what the issue is, and I’ll tell you my friend. One of the things I hate the most is when someone says I’m lying . Because I rarely lie!!!! I’m very honest and transparent, which is one reason why I get f@cked sometimes (and I don’t mean in the physical way, unfortunately, but that’s a different story). So, because I’m these two things, I HATE when people look at me and say I’m not saying the truth. Well, if I tell you, for example, that I’m a confident or a happy girl, don’t tell me something like ‘NO, YOU ARE NOT!' Honestly, DO NOT do that!!! It drives me absolutely insane!!!
So...this friend of mind LOVES doing that. Imagine this thing, that I already hate so much, being repeated a couple of times, and different topics in the same night, many occasions we go out??? I go NUTS!!! The thing is, I really, really love her, and I reckon we are great mates, but lately, I think she’s been having trouble to hear me a bit, and she’s been concentrating on something she might want me to be or do or... I don’t fucking know!! I just hate the fact that a person that I love so much and I care so much for, gets me wrong many times. And the thing is, if a person reads this open book, they can easily tell that I’m not a liar, and I’m quite open about how I feel, sometimes waaaayyyy to open, actually. So, why I’d say something that I don’t really feel or think to a great friend?? And the point is, if I say something, that’s fine to someone to criticize it, I promise. I love constructive criticism, I swear!!! But If I say I feel this way, or I’m that way, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT say, ‘Paula, you’re not!!! Because I’ll get very, very angry, and I’ll say back, ‘who the fuck are you again, to say that??’ Am I being rude??? But honestly, I think I’ve even written here before that I hate when people say I do something that I don’t or say I don’t feel in a way that I actually do.
And let’s say one fair thing here. Soooo many times, when I’m in trouble with myself, I overlook or hide things about me, INTENTIONALLY. I do it!! Isn’t that normal to human beings!??!!? So I do it!!! And sometimes my friends come to tell me, you’re overlooking this or that, and I agree. If I don’t want to talk about it, I’ll say it!! But don’t come to tell me that I’m overlooking something that I’m not, and still insist that I am, after I say I’m not. Because I’m very honest and transparent, as I said before, and I have no reason to lie, right?
It sounds(reads) like I’ve said too much already. I hope no one gets upset here... it’s just random feelings...sigh...I better leave now... tchau!!! heheehhhehe
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
I miss myself!
I think today has been the first day I took off to myself since I arrived back in Brazil. And I’m loving it!!! Man, I don’t know why, but I’ve been finding it very hard to spare some time to enjoy my own company. Not because I’m not fun, actually, the opposite, let's be honest here, I’m damn good! But because I’ve been feeling a don’t have space to do this anymore. I’ve been feeling suffocated, as if I’m inside a room, and the walls are very close to me. So I try hard to skip out these walls, and I always end up ignoring that I need this time to myself. That’s really sad!!! Even though I lived in Australia with my ex-babe, and friends, and more friends, I always found some free time to dedicate it to myself. So many times I would go shopping for something I wanted to cook, for a bottle of wine I wanted to have and a movie I wanted to watch, and go home to do all that by myself. Geez, that was so much fun!!! Here in Brazil, I don’t really know why, but I can’t find the opportunity to do that.
I’ve been working long hours, and catching up with people everyday-single-day. The worst thing of all that, is that I soooo miss myself. As I continue with this routine, I feel that I’ve been getting away from my thoughts, my will and most importantly, my focus!! I’ve just arrived back in Brazil, and sooo many things started happening so quickly for me, since my first day back, that I reckon I haven’t even had time to realize that I moved back here. And now, I’m suffering the consequences...
And I find it very interesting how, because of that, I can see a huge change in my personality, my mood, my tolerance. The problem is, this change is NOT for the best, for sure!!! With the lack of time for myself, I get very, very restless, I get very sincere and sarcastic. And you might be thinking that this may be a good thing. Man, believe me, that’s NOT!!! You’d hate the comments I’d say to you if you dared cross my way. I get soooo sarcastic, that I really start hating how evil I get, and how shitty I make people feel. I’m not proud of that!!! The thing is, I tell no lies, I promise!!! But I tell true that people don’t want to hear, and I gotta stop with that!
I feel really sorry for those people who say they can’t be by themselves. Ten years ago, I used to be one of them. But now a days, once I learned how to enjoy my own company and how much I gained with a quiet moment with myself, I started appreciating that more and more, and I’m getting a bit crazy for not having the time to do that often.
O good example of all that is the fact that I hadn’t posted for four months!! I love writing about my thoughts and my feelings, but I hadn’t stopped to do that for such a long time!!! Today, I woke up at a friend’s place, and when I left there, I thought, "I will spend some time with me today". Geez, I’m having a ball!!!
I guess this post was intentionally made for me, by me. Maybe just to encourage myself to stop a bit, breath in, and do what I like so much; be my own company, just like today. Today is Sunday here in Brazil, and I want to start my week with a different attitude, being what I like to be, doing what I like to do. And to get that, I need some time to think and to spend it with myself.
Well, I hope it means I’ll start writing back again. I need to share some stories and experiences that I’ve lived since I arrived back here.
But I just want to say, I’m good, I’m great, I just miss myself. But I guess that’s normal. I’m such a great chick that it’s only fair I want to be around myself all the time, huh??? ;-)
I’ve been working long hours, and catching up with people everyday-single-day. The worst thing of all that, is that I soooo miss myself. As I continue with this routine, I feel that I’ve been getting away from my thoughts, my will and most importantly, my focus!! I’ve just arrived back in Brazil, and sooo many things started happening so quickly for me, since my first day back, that I reckon I haven’t even had time to realize that I moved back here. And now, I’m suffering the consequences...
And I find it very interesting how, because of that, I can see a huge change in my personality, my mood, my tolerance. The problem is, this change is NOT for the best, for sure!!! With the lack of time for myself, I get very, very restless, I get very sincere and sarcastic. And you might be thinking that this may be a good thing. Man, believe me, that’s NOT!!! You’d hate the comments I’d say to you if you dared cross my way. I get soooo sarcastic, that I really start hating how evil I get, and how shitty I make people feel. I’m not proud of that!!! The thing is, I tell no lies, I promise!!! But I tell true that people don’t want to hear, and I gotta stop with that!
I feel really sorry for those people who say they can’t be by themselves. Ten years ago, I used to be one of them. But now a days, once I learned how to enjoy my own company and how much I gained with a quiet moment with myself, I started appreciating that more and more, and I’m getting a bit crazy for not having the time to do that often.
O good example of all that is the fact that I hadn’t posted for four months!! I love writing about my thoughts and my feelings, but I hadn’t stopped to do that for such a long time!!! Today, I woke up at a friend’s place, and when I left there, I thought, "I will spend some time with me today". Geez, I’m having a ball!!!
I guess this post was intentionally made for me, by me. Maybe just to encourage myself to stop a bit, breath in, and do what I like so much; be my own company, just like today. Today is Sunday here in Brazil, and I want to start my week with a different attitude, being what I like to be, doing what I like to do. And to get that, I need some time to think and to spend it with myself.
Well, I hope it means I’ll start writing back again. I need to share some stories and experiences that I’ve lived since I arrived back here.
But I just want to say, I’m good, I’m great, I just miss myself. But I guess that’s normal. I’m such a great chick that it’s only fair I want to be around myself all the time, huh??? ;-)
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