It's time to go...

Finally!!! I made my decision to go back home for a while. I’ve been finding it very hard to deal with my family’s situation from a few continents away. I’m quite exhausted of getting mum’s sad phone calls, my brother’s stressed voice tones and dad’s lack of common sense and responsibility.

I thought that it was time to go and see for myself what the problem is, and what seems to be the reason behind my family’s breakdown.

This decision was a very tough one. As I’m going for a while, I decided to give up my apartment, in one of the most beautiful spots in Brisbane, and give up my great job as well. That was even harder, as I have created a strong bond with my boss and my work mates. I also enjoy the work and I find it rewarding the company’s appreciation towards me.

I have to say though, I’m relieved now that I know I’ll be with mum soon. I’ll be there to support her and help her go through her issues. I’ll try to show her the positive side of life and encourage her to learn about and experience different things.

For my brother, I hope to support him through his decisions and maybe give him my shoulder for a cry if necessary. He might need it!! I’ll try very hard not to judge or censure his behaviour. I tend to talk too much (if you haven’t noticed) and end up saying things that maybe I shouldn’t. So I’ll try to avoid this path with him this time.

With dad, only God knows what will happen. He told me last time in the phone that he wants me to meet “someone”. That won’t happen, but I was very upset with the idea that I’ll actually gonna have to say that to him. I’ll also try to have an adult conversation with him about other things that have been going through my mind, giving me nightmares. I’m just not sure if dad knows what ‘an adult’ conversation means. I’ll have to try it out this time.

I’m a bit scared of this trip, as it doesn’t feel like a holiday. I’m a bit scared of the negative energy I’ve been feeling when I speak to my family. I’m scared that I might not be able to solve any of the problems, and end up coming back to Australia defeated by the conflicts that have taken over my family.

Sometimes I feel that because I’ve been living away from home for 6 years, I’ve become this independent person, not without a family of course – but someone who makes decisions and choices detached by the rest of the family. Does it make sense?? So, I kinda feel like an outsider, and I think, act and behave so different to them. I feel that the three of them are just sucked in by these problems and they attack each other all the time rather then make a self analyse of how each can improve individually and solve the bloody problems.

Well, as I said, I’m petrified of this trip, and I’m soooo scared of, in the end of the day, not being able to help solve the problems or at least bring some happiness and good news to my family.

I guess all I can do is try, change my approach to something more understanding and calm and pray!!!

Wish me luck!!!!