Just like dad

You know when you look at someone and you think: "Gosh, I'm soooo like that person"? I saw myself doing that for years and years and years with regards to dad. Everywhere I went, people would say the same thing to me, how dad and I were so much alike. And I could see it all the time. The thing is, dad has a few things about him that not only me, but everyone who knows him really like it. He's funny, communicative, entertaining, friendly. But there are sooooooo many things about his personality that I just cannot put up with. And even that, I took after him (really sad!!).

When I was 17, I convinced mum to let me see a shrink. Honestly, it was one of the best things ever. Although my family was totally against it, I managed to spend 10 months in therapy. I'd say my main goal was to stop being like dad. And I reckon I got close to it. It's weird how dad and I relate to each other. It's a very undefined relationship we have going on. I can't say that on his behalf, but I have to admit that myself, in particular, have countless issues with regards to him. I don't really know what exactly I feel for him, and for sure it isn't simply love. Actually, I'm not sure if I got that at all. Dad has hurt me, and mum and my brother soooo many times that I just cannot heal. When I'm allowing myself to relax and trust he has changed, I get hurt again. I've created a thick skin, and it's like he can't get through me anymore. I've lost all the respect for him as a man and as a father. It's really sad. I'm sure what I have isn't hate, but disappointment and indifference. I think he means no harm, and his behaviour has a lot to do with his childhood. I reckon my grandparents didn't teach dad much about family, love, companionship, sharing, and all the great feelings mum has taught us. So how could he give it to us, if he doesn't even know what's like?!?

I find it soooo sad how he does things sometimes that actually make me ache physically. Sometimes it has nothing to do with me, but it still aches. It also aches to feel the way I do, to have this endless anger on me. And although I've learned he won't change, and I have to accept him the way he is, sometimes I lose my mind and I go nuts at him, we argue, we say stuff, it's awful. I really would like to learn how to forgive and forget. I wish I could just block the bad feelings and be able to only spend delightful times with him, just like I do with mum.

Well, but as I always say, nothing is 100% bad. And this isn't gonna scape the rule. The positive thing about having the weirdest relationship with dad, is that it made me a better person. All the bad stuff I took after him have been controlled by my own conscious. Everytime I'm about to act like dad, I remember how much I hate his behaviour, and I hold it back. But most importantly, it'll make me a better parent, that's for sure!! I learned with my own father, through his behaviour, how not to be a bad parent. I'm sure I won't make the same mistakes as he has with my brother's and mine up bringing. That's important, I reckon!! Learning from my father's mistake.

I don't want to finish without saying something nice about him though. I reckon God (BTW, I believe in God) has given him a second chance. Gos had given him a grandson who is crazy about him. And I have to admit he's doing great as a grandfather. Maybe he's realized it's time to catch up with what he had failed before.