Oh dear!! It has been a while… so many things happening (or maybe things I’ve been hoping to happen) at the moment that I haven’t written a chapter in my book for a long time…
I’ve been missing a lot having this book to write whatever I feel like…so many things to say, so many thoughts mixed together, and I don’t even know where to start.
When I started writing this chapter, a-minute-and-a-half ago, I was going to write about my daily bus trip to work. This is a story that has been going through my mind for a while now, but this will have to wait for next time as I feel like writing about something else…Ok, enough!!!! Straight to the point!!!
You know when you have a great partner, a great job (not perfect, just great!!), great friends, nice home, you’ve been saving money, all these good stuff??? Yeah!!! Welcome to my world, that’s me at the moment!!! But I’ve been feeling soooo empty lately!! Kind of incomplete!!!
Marriage is a topic that has been hunting me, for some reason, for the last 6 months or so. I always wanted to get married, I always wanted the commitment, the party, the honeymoon, the new home together, and when I met my babe, I knew he was the one!!! I left Brazil when I was only a baby (excuse me, 18 is a baby!!!), and I decided to not go back to my beautiful country (full of issues nonetheless, beautiful!!!) so I could be with that amazing man I had met somewhere in a crazy bar in London.
Well, things haven’t changed there. I’m still very much in love with that man, but I just feel like I’m ready, you know??? As this marriage conversation keeps coming towards my direction, more I think that maybe it’s my turn now. I feel that it’s time to be ‘us’ instead of ‘I’ and ‘him’.
And the crazy thing is that this thought has been taking all my mind-free time. If I am not doing anything, that’s all I think about… and this is actually driving me insane, and very upset as well. Insane because I don’t want to be the pushy girlfriend, but upset because I wonder if he actually wants to marry me ever.
The thing is, I don’t want to have to ask him or push or force him to do anything. I want this to come naturally, because he chooses to, and that’s what he also wants, rather than because I said so, you know?? But we’ve been together for 6 years, what else is he waiting for?? I don’t want to wait forever, in fact I don’t want to wait for another month, even!!!
I feel that my life is on hold at this stage waiting for him to make a decision. And that, I absolutely HATE!!! I’m a girl with her own opinion and I hate depending on people. But yeah, I think that’s why I feel empty; because I’m in that stage of my life that I need to take a step forward. And I really want it to be with him. I just need to know if he wants it or not, and if it is ‘not’, I guess I’ll have to take that step forward by myself and move on. Maybe go back home??? I actually have been thinking about that for a while as well. There is no point of being away from my family and culture if I am not going to be with my babe.
Why are guys so bloody difficult and undecided??? Why do women always have to push them for them to make a move??? Why all they think about is their jobs, and that bringing money and being the provider is doing a lot??? That’s soooo annoying…. And I also hate how this chapter makes me sound like a desperate hoping-to-be-housewife…not quite housewife, but you get the picture. So…enough!!!
