I feel like biting him!!!!!

Man, I had such a lovely weekend with my family. It was soooo great that I couldn't even believe it was happening. I haven't lived in the same country as my brother for almost ten years, so we struggle to spend some time together. When I was in Australia, he was here. Now I'm back in Brazil, he's living in Angola. And now that he has his own family, his wife and his son, it's even harder to get organised to spend some quality time together.

So last weekend, we travelled to another state, not so far from here, where an uncle of mine lives with his wife. We travelled a couple of hours to get there, my brother, his wife, my nephew and mum. Dad was already there... it was fabulous!! We went to the beach, walked about at the shopping centre, had some lunch, it was lovely!!! The best part of all that, as weird as it sounds, was to see my little brother being a dad. He's sooooo cute with his babe, very patient, very fatherly, he talks to him, teaches him stuff, it's awesome!! I can't even leave aside the fact that my nephew is the most delicious thing!!!! I feel like biting him all the time!!! Not in a bad way, but he's sooooo cute that you just cannot say enough words to describe him, that you just feel like hugging him tight, biting him, and grabbing his feet. They're soooo fat!! And he's such a smart kid. He's only two, but he says stuff that you just can't understand where he gets that shit from... it's hilarious!!! When he calls me 'auntie Paula', ohhh I go to haven... it's the sweets thing!!!

In the way back home, he came right next to me in the car, and I was trying to entertain him. He loves music and he loves to dance, so I was doing all this weird stuff and he was imitating me, it was hilarious... having kids in the family is such a blessing!!! I don't know, but I can't wait to have babies of my own. I mean, I'm not ready now, but I can't wait to be just to have a thousand of them... not really but three or four would be great!!! I reckon I'm getting clucky...

That's him


That's him with the babysitter


That's him and my sister-in-law


and that's the happy family!!

Order and Progress

That's the statement written in our flag. I actually find our Brazilian flag beautiful. It's green representing the Amazon, blue representing the ocean and yellow, representing the gold (mining), I think. The only thing that I wonder is if the statement really represents the situation here. I can say that 'progress' can be quite fair. Despite the world economical crisis, Brazil is still stable and doing reasonably well. The biofuel production is pretty good here. The government isn't planning to slow the work down on it due to the crisis. We've exported heaps of it to Europe and EUA as well. Agriculture is also going ok, although it has been said some grains harvest wont be as huge as last year's. The banks are still lending money to people to buy properties and some economics professors have said Brazilian banks are pretty conservative therefore, haven't done anything major to cause much damage to their structure. I really do believe my country isn't all that bad when it comes down to economical matters. Well, pretty good then for the 'progress'...

Now, let's talk about 'order'. Excuse me, what does that mean??? Many Brazilians would ask you that. How can we have a word written in our flag that doesn't even exist in our dictionary?!?!?! Of course it does, but people have not a clue what that means, which, in the end, it's the same damn thing. And I tell you, I really feel the need to name you what I mean about Brazilians NOT knowing the signification of 'order'. People here DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT read signs, for example. No parking, don't smoke, pets not allowed, preferential for gestating or disable people, recycle, don't walk in the grass, private property, music not allowed, you name it, people here cannot read it. They walk in the grass, they smoke inside shopping centres and restaurants, they park and stop whatever the hell they like, specially in the middle of the street, no matter how much you scream, horn, make gestures, they don't give a rat's, the remain still. People here also love throwing staff out of the car window, can you believe it?? Oh yeah, it kills me, kills me!!! The other day I was driving through a big avenue and this guy just opened the window and chucked a bloody bottle of coke out of the damn thing. Man, I went mental!!! I drove faster, got my car right next to his and screamed my lungs out "You sun of a bitch, go throw the rubbish inside YOUR house. The street isn't it!!" And this is nothing compared to many other things, way worse and terrible, HORRIFYING!!!

Man, I get so angry with people here, sometimes. I love Brazil, but most of the time I come to this blog to bitch about it. But it annoys me how people here have not a clue of how to be a civilized nation. Politicians are corrupted and the people are uneducated enough to not be able to say anything about it or fight for their rights. To make things even worse, they even contribute to the underdevelopment of the country by not respecting the rules. People here have the idea "I'm not gonna change the world. So if they don't do it, why am I going to do it?". I don't get it!! I can't say I'm 100% politically correct. I have my floors, plenty, sure, as everyone does. But please, people here don't respect anything or anyone. No rules, no laws, no queue, nothing!! I find it very hard to live with it. Santa ignorance! Order and Progress?!??!?! Not sure...

(Un)happy end

The characters are:

He: tall, very intelligent, a inspiring doctor. Well-educated, he comes from a very traditional and wealthy family. He's 28, a gentleman, compared to a prince by many due to his attitude, open mind, will to help. A caring man and dream boy for many girls.

She: strong personality, a beautiful blond girl. Determined, she doesn't care about people's opinion. Out-spoken, mysterious, hard-working, she doesn't allow too many in her heart. His family loves her.

The story goes something like that:

She just graduated from university. The course: medicine, just like him. They met at university. He tutored her for while. The celebrations for her uni achievement was huge!!! I was actually invited but couldn't make it because it was in another state, where she lives now. This massive event also celebrated their engagement. 150 people made to the party, and they said the couple couldn't be happier. He is going to make her happy for the rest of her life. And she is going to do the same for him.

The wedding is going to be here, in the bride's home town. The church has already been paid for, and the wedding planners are going crazy!! The bride's mother is soooo excited and the groom's family can't wait to be at the sunshine state (here) for the party. The girls are already organizing the piss up for when she gets here. Everything is going great!!!

Both, now doctors, are studying hard to get into their specialisation. She wants to be a gynecologist. He wants to work in an ER.

Saturday, November 1, 2008, 5.30am, the fairy tails turns into a nightmare. He's working in an ambulance, coming back from rescuing a just born baby. It crashes against a truck holding 30 ton of corn. He is squashed under the wreckage. She gets the call and drives to the accident scene. Thankfully, for her own sake, she couldn't find what she was searching for; his body.

I'm so sad for her!!! I wish I could hold her tight. Everyone who loves and cares for her has been feeling her pain. The boy's family, poor them!!! He's the second son lost in a car accident. I wish I could take her anxiety, her anger, her lacking of understanding away from her mind. I wish I could give her some comfort. The last thing she said to him; "I don't like this shirt". Had she known, she would have been nicer, loving and caring. She would have said "I LOVE YOU!" She wouldn't had let him go. But how could she know? How can we lose someone in a blink of an eye? We gotta learn from this. Learn that we have to live life as if it was the last breathing. We have to be next to the people we love as much as we possibly can and let them know how much we love them. That sounds so cliche, but I guess, when you go through something like that, you realise how important it is to value the people you care.

Amiga, I'm devastated with your pain. I feel your body aching with disappointment. I'm praying for your soul and for his too. I hope God brings you peace. God took him away because he was needed elsewhere. Your prince will cure in heaven. You're a rock, you'll past trough this and you'll be happy again. You deserve it! I love you always!!

Call me crazy

Saturday night I went out to a very cool bar for a boogie. It was actually a friend's birthday. The night was going great!!! A heap of girlfriends dancing, talking crap, taking crazy photos (I'll post it here for you once I have them, I promise), it couldn't go wrong, could it? And it didn't. We had a ball, we laughed our ass off as we hadn't for a while. Just one thing during the night kinda of annoyed me. And before I tell you the story, I'm just letting you know right ahead, and you can call me crazy if you want, but I don't like those very hot, good lucking, stud muffing guys, you know?!? They are full of shit!!!

Well, I saw this guy, soooo handsome, tall, dark skin, black hair, hot body, well dressed, just hot!!! He was standing right next to me. I saw him arriving, I looked at him and I did what I always do when this type of guy gets next to me; don't give a shit!! Then he left. I like smart guys, with a cute nerd kinda intellectual look, that can make me laugh, that can make me feel special, mysterious, who can treat me like a lady (or not in the right moments, wink, wink), well, enough with the dirty talk. Later on, I went to the bar to get a drink and he came to talk to me. The conversation went like that:

Him: "Oh, it's so hard to find a tall girl. You have not a clue of how I suffer with that." (7 secs)

Me (looking bored and not interested): "Hum...hum!" (1 sec)

Him: "So...what your name?" (2 sec)

Me: "Paula" (half a sec)

Him: "I saw you over there..." (2 secs)

So, after 12-and-a-half secs, only people, ONLY, this guys says:

"So, love, what can I do to give you a kiss??"

Me: Oh, LOVE, it would be easier to find life in another planet before you kiss me!!!

WTF??? What's wrong with these guys?? I wonder if this is all our fault. I mean, us girls who allow guys like that or any other type of guy behave like that. I've been feeling so disrespected here in Brazil. Guys here treat girls like shit. And the controversy is that you don't need to sleep with a guy, or worse, you don't even need to kiss him for him to treat you like shit or think he's better than you!! Good men in Brazil are so rare to find, that's not funny. And after you have such a healthy relationship, with a awesome man, respectful, supportive, caring, loving, like I had, I'm a bit worried about not ever finding someone to share a life with, someone that's worth my attention, my care, my feelings, my dedication, my companionship. I'm thinking about making a business out of lack of decent man here and start to import men to Brazil. I might even make some money out of this. Is anyone out there interested in meeting some Brazilian chicks??

Just like dad

You know when you look at someone and you think: "Gosh, I'm soooo like that person"? I saw myself doing that for years and years and years with regards to dad. Everywhere I went, people would say the same thing to me, how dad and I were so much alike. And I could see it all the time. The thing is, dad has a few things about him that not only me, but everyone who knows him really like it. He's funny, communicative, entertaining, friendly. But there are sooooooo many things about his personality that I just cannot put up with. And even that, I took after him (really sad!!).

When I was 17, I convinced mum to let me see a shrink. Honestly, it was one of the best things ever. Although my family was totally against it, I managed to spend 10 months in therapy. I'd say my main goal was to stop being like dad. And I reckon I got close to it. It's weird how dad and I relate to each other. It's a very undefined relationship we have going on. I can't say that on his behalf, but I have to admit that myself, in particular, have countless issues with regards to him. I don't really know what exactly I feel for him, and for sure it isn't simply love. Actually, I'm not sure if I got that at all. Dad has hurt me, and mum and my brother soooo many times that I just cannot heal. When I'm allowing myself to relax and trust he has changed, I get hurt again. I've created a thick skin, and it's like he can't get through me anymore. I've lost all the respect for him as a man and as a father. It's really sad. I'm sure what I have isn't hate, but disappointment and indifference. I think he means no harm, and his behaviour has a lot to do with his childhood. I reckon my grandparents didn't teach dad much about family, love, companionship, sharing, and all the great feelings mum has taught us. So how could he give it to us, if he doesn't even know what's like?!?

I find it soooo sad how he does things sometimes that actually make me ache physically. Sometimes it has nothing to do with me, but it still aches. It also aches to feel the way I do, to have this endless anger on me. And although I've learned he won't change, and I have to accept him the way he is, sometimes I lose my mind and I go nuts at him, we argue, we say stuff, it's awful. I really would like to learn how to forgive and forget. I wish I could just block the bad feelings and be able to only spend delightful times with him, just like I do with mum.

Well, but as I always say, nothing is 100% bad. And this isn't gonna scape the rule. The positive thing about having the weirdest relationship with dad, is that it made me a better person. All the bad stuff I took after him have been controlled by my own conscious. Everytime I'm about to act like dad, I remember how much I hate his behaviour, and I hold it back. But most importantly, it'll make me a better parent, that's for sure!! I learned with my own father, through his behaviour, how not to be a bad parent. I'm sure I won't make the same mistakes as he has with my brother's and mine up bringing. That's important, I reckon!! Learning from my father's mistake.

I don't want to finish without saying something nice about him though. I reckon God (BTW, I believe in God) has given him a second chance. Gos had given him a grandson who is crazy about him. And I have to admit he's doing great as a grandfather. Maybe he's realized it's time to catch up with what he had failed before.

Gimme answers!!!

I've got so many questions that I don't even know where to start. I actually bold them so you can help me figure this shit out!!! Well, let's start with something that happened to me this week, and I almost lost my sleep over it. But before that, let me give you an introduction about my friendships. I'm a very loyal friend. I'm always there for when my friends need me or an advice, or a bit of attention, a pad on the back or even to tell them they are wrong. I'm very opened to them and I always say what I think in the best way I can to not offend them, but to open their eyes regarding any matter. Most of my friends have some characteristics similar to mine, but mainly, we are all very different. And we all respect each other, therefore there are a few things that we shouldn't even argued about, because we just think differently.

A while ago I was seeing this guy. One night we had planned to go out for drinks. I ended up inviting a couple of friends to come along. One of the girls actually came along ahead in the car with me. The other girls were coming later. When I went to pick up this guy, with her, he brought along a friend. She hadn't met neither of them at that stage, so she was VERY, VERY uncomfortable to be going out with this two guys and me, as she had a partner, and she said it didn't look good for a committed girl to be in a public place with two guys and a girlfriend. She said it looked like there were two couples. I apologised for the situation but to be honest, I didn't really think it was a big deal. Her partner has to trust her, and as long as she didn't kiss, hug or did something sexual with the guy, what was the problem??? But as I said, we are different and I just tried to respect it.

Well, this week, I went out with this same girl and two other guys. But these two guys are two of our best friends. So there wasn't a problem at all for her to be with me and two other guys in a public place then, right??? My question is, WTF????? Am I being wrong here, or maybe too liberal, or disrespectful, or stupid??? I reckon that's double standards, am I wrong?? Please point that out to me. Why can she go out looking like two couples with friends but not with her friend's date and another guy?? Because her partner will find that not good??? But shouldn't he trust her no matter what??? Why are Brazilian SO FULL OF SHIT??? I'm so sick of this crap!!! People here are full of shit!!

And let's not stop here. Please listen, I have another story and more questions. Have I told you that I'm the only single girl in my group of friends? I'm not complaining, and that's not even the point. But the question here is; if I'm going out to a bloody awesome concert, that I intend to dance heaps, DANCE ONLY (that is, no intention whatsoever to have any encounter with a guy, and I'm being honest), what's wrong with me willing to go with a friend without her boyfriend?? I mean, if she chooses to bring the boyfriend along, fine! But am I allowed to have an opinion, and that being, I'd rather to have a moment with my girlfriend without her boyfriend?? And that's not because I'm gonna take her to cheat on him (because I'm not like that, and I respect and value fidelity), but because if I want to dance with her, she won't be able to, because the boyfriend we'll be complaining. I know already the story!!

Well, I was judged this week just because I said to a friend I'd like to spend a bit of money in a concert, to go with her, if her boyfriend wasn't coming. But I said that because she said he probably wouldn't go at the first place. I have the right!! And I really like him, but not to go with for a concert to dance, that's bloody all!!

I'm just so sad that this girlfriend of mine, who know me so well, and know that I don't encourage, in fact I don't like infidelity, still make me feel like the "SINGLE girl - the CURSE". Just because I don't think men are the only reason to live, and I'm not the conventional type, it doesn't mean that I'll destroy every relationship in the world neither encourage my friends to disrespect their partners. And this friend is one who knows me well and know all that!!!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really a freak who will never find someone because I'm way too open mind, and because I believe in relationships that do not function based ONLY AND EXCLUSIVELY on what society dictates is a good behaviour for women. Please, gimme answers!!!!

What a joke!

Although it's a joke, I'm not laughing at all. I actually think I should bust in tears. That's all because of the local elections, here in Brazil. We went yesterday to vote for our mayor and local members, and I did it for the first time ever, as I was away for ages. Man, I found it hard to pick my candidates. Brazilians are very hopeful, we always believe we are improving, things are changing, that people from the opposition can make a difference.

Maybe, because I was overseas, I opened my mind a bit more, and I lost this Brazilian spirit that "oh, we're getting better!", to replace it for something realistic. What we have here in Brazil isn't politics. It's an organised (or maybe disorganised) festival for a small and selected (by the people) group of high class thieves that are more worried about enjoying life with public money rather than improving health, education, security, employment rates etc.

Some people actually say the country is in a better condition, that poor people aren't that poor anymore, and uneducated people are getting education, and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Let me paint you a picture; firstly, the president came up with this plan called something like 'family package'. It's some "almost nothing" amount of money to make the poor people shut up and think he's helping. With education, they build heaps and heaps of beautiful buildings they call schools, but they forget to hire and pay teachers to teach. So, how can the kids learn something? The drug industry here in Brazil is run by the people in the 'favelas' in partnership with the police and the politicians. High profile judges order high class sons of a bitch to be released from jail because... oh, just because. Politicians here, to steal public money, come up with the weirdest road works, and get overcharged by the construction companies, to get half of the profit.

Politicians here are bribed, corrupted, blackmailed, it's shit! To pick my candidates, I couldn't even say "oh, this one is honest" because there isn't such a thing. It's actually accepted that they steal public money, because it's common. People here say "oh, such and such steal but at least he as a good administrator", or they say "I'm gonna vote in such and such because she is easy to bribe", or, even worse, I friend of mine, who is also a journo, said he was gonna vote for someone who was TOTALLY corrupted because this candidate was a good source for his articles. I'm like "what the fuck?!??!?!?". Do you believe a drag queen with NO, ZERO, political plan made the cut because people here think elections is a joke?

I'm not sure if I'm being radical or maybe blind, and Brazil is, in fact, going in the right direction. I hope so. I hope all the Brazilians are totally right to be positive about our country and I'm the only dumb thing surviving. I'm hoping that I'm wrong about having no hope.