Call me crazy

Saturday night I went out to a very cool bar for a boogie. It was actually a friend's birthday. The night was going great!!! A heap of girlfriends dancing, talking crap, taking crazy photos (I'll post it here for you once I have them, I promise), it couldn't go wrong, could it? And it didn't. We had a ball, we laughed our ass off as we hadn't for a while. Just one thing during the night kinda of annoyed me. And before I tell you the story, I'm just letting you know right ahead, and you can call me crazy if you want, but I don't like those very hot, good lucking, stud muffing guys, you know?!? They are full of shit!!!

Well, I saw this guy, soooo handsome, tall, dark skin, black hair, hot body, well dressed, just hot!!! He was standing right next to me. I saw him arriving, I looked at him and I did what I always do when this type of guy gets next to me; don't give a shit!! Then he left. I like smart guys, with a cute nerd kinda intellectual look, that can make me laugh, that can make me feel special, mysterious, who can treat me like a lady (or not in the right moments, wink, wink), well, enough with the dirty talk. Later on, I went to the bar to get a drink and he came to talk to me. The conversation went like that:

Him: "Oh, it's so hard to find a tall girl. You have not a clue of how I suffer with that." (7 secs)

Me (looking bored and not interested): "Hum...hum!" (1 sec)

Him: "So...what your name?" (2 sec)

Me: "Paula" (half a sec)

Him: "I saw you over there..." (2 secs)

So, after 12-and-a-half secs, only people, ONLY, this guys says:

"So, love, what can I do to give you a kiss??"

Me: Oh, LOVE, it would be easier to find life in another planet before you kiss me!!!

WTF??? What's wrong with these guys?? I wonder if this is all our fault. I mean, us girls who allow guys like that or any other type of guy behave like that. I've been feeling so disrespected here in Brazil. Guys here treat girls like shit. And the controversy is that you don't need to sleep with a guy, or worse, you don't even need to kiss him for him to treat you like shit or think he's better than you!! Good men in Brazil are so rare to find, that's not funny. And after you have such a healthy relationship, with a awesome man, respectful, supportive, caring, loving, like I had, I'm a bit worried about not ever finding someone to share a life with, someone that's worth my attention, my care, my feelings, my dedication, my companionship. I'm thinking about making a business out of lack of decent man here and start to import men to Brazil. I might even make some money out of this. Is anyone out there interested in meeting some Brazilian chicks??

Just like dad

You know when you look at someone and you think: "Gosh, I'm soooo like that person"? I saw myself doing that for years and years and years with regards to dad. Everywhere I went, people would say the same thing to me, how dad and I were so much alike. And I could see it all the time. The thing is, dad has a few things about him that not only me, but everyone who knows him really like it. He's funny, communicative, entertaining, friendly. But there are sooooooo many things about his personality that I just cannot put up with. And even that, I took after him (really sad!!).

When I was 17, I convinced mum to let me see a shrink. Honestly, it was one of the best things ever. Although my family was totally against it, I managed to spend 10 months in therapy. I'd say my main goal was to stop being like dad. And I reckon I got close to it. It's weird how dad and I relate to each other. It's a very undefined relationship we have going on. I can't say that on his behalf, but I have to admit that myself, in particular, have countless issues with regards to him. I don't really know what exactly I feel for him, and for sure it isn't simply love. Actually, I'm not sure if I got that at all. Dad has hurt me, and mum and my brother soooo many times that I just cannot heal. When I'm allowing myself to relax and trust he has changed, I get hurt again. I've created a thick skin, and it's like he can't get through me anymore. I've lost all the respect for him as a man and as a father. It's really sad. I'm sure what I have isn't hate, but disappointment and indifference. I think he means no harm, and his behaviour has a lot to do with his childhood. I reckon my grandparents didn't teach dad much about family, love, companionship, sharing, and all the great feelings mum has taught us. So how could he give it to us, if he doesn't even know what's like?!?

I find it soooo sad how he does things sometimes that actually make me ache physically. Sometimes it has nothing to do with me, but it still aches. It also aches to feel the way I do, to have this endless anger on me. And although I've learned he won't change, and I have to accept him the way he is, sometimes I lose my mind and I go nuts at him, we argue, we say stuff, it's awful. I really would like to learn how to forgive and forget. I wish I could just block the bad feelings and be able to only spend delightful times with him, just like I do with mum.

Well, but as I always say, nothing is 100% bad. And this isn't gonna scape the rule. The positive thing about having the weirdest relationship with dad, is that it made me a better person. All the bad stuff I took after him have been controlled by my own conscious. Everytime I'm about to act like dad, I remember how much I hate his behaviour, and I hold it back. But most importantly, it'll make me a better parent, that's for sure!! I learned with my own father, through his behaviour, how not to be a bad parent. I'm sure I won't make the same mistakes as he has with my brother's and mine up bringing. That's important, I reckon!! Learning from my father's mistake.

I don't want to finish without saying something nice about him though. I reckon God (BTW, I believe in God) has given him a second chance. Gos had given him a grandson who is crazy about him. And I have to admit he's doing great as a grandfather. Maybe he's realized it's time to catch up with what he had failed before.

Gimme answers!!!

I've got so many questions that I don't even know where to start. I actually bold them so you can help me figure this shit out!!! Well, let's start with something that happened to me this week, and I almost lost my sleep over it. But before that, let me give you an introduction about my friendships. I'm a very loyal friend. I'm always there for when my friends need me or an advice, or a bit of attention, a pad on the back or even to tell them they are wrong. I'm very opened to them and I always say what I think in the best way I can to not offend them, but to open their eyes regarding any matter. Most of my friends have some characteristics similar to mine, but mainly, we are all very different. And we all respect each other, therefore there are a few things that we shouldn't even argued about, because we just think differently.

A while ago I was seeing this guy. One night we had planned to go out for drinks. I ended up inviting a couple of friends to come along. One of the girls actually came along ahead in the car with me. The other girls were coming later. When I went to pick up this guy, with her, he brought along a friend. She hadn't met neither of them at that stage, so she was VERY, VERY uncomfortable to be going out with this two guys and me, as she had a partner, and she said it didn't look good for a committed girl to be in a public place with two guys and a girlfriend. She said it looked like there were two couples. I apologised for the situation but to be honest, I didn't really think it was a big deal. Her partner has to trust her, and as long as she didn't kiss, hug or did something sexual with the guy, what was the problem??? But as I said, we are different and I just tried to respect it.

Well, this week, I went out with this same girl and two other guys. But these two guys are two of our best friends. So there wasn't a problem at all for her to be with me and two other guys in a public place then, right??? My question is, WTF????? Am I being wrong here, or maybe too liberal, or disrespectful, or stupid??? I reckon that's double standards, am I wrong?? Please point that out to me. Why can she go out looking like two couples with friends but not with her friend's date and another guy?? Because her partner will find that not good??? But shouldn't he trust her no matter what??? Why are Brazilian SO FULL OF SHIT??? I'm so sick of this crap!!! People here are full of shit!!

And let's not stop here. Please listen, I have another story and more questions. Have I told you that I'm the only single girl in my group of friends? I'm not complaining, and that's not even the point. But the question here is; if I'm going out to a bloody awesome concert, that I intend to dance heaps, DANCE ONLY (that is, no intention whatsoever to have any encounter with a guy, and I'm being honest), what's wrong with me willing to go with a friend without her boyfriend?? I mean, if she chooses to bring the boyfriend along, fine! But am I allowed to have an opinion, and that being, I'd rather to have a moment with my girlfriend without her boyfriend?? And that's not because I'm gonna take her to cheat on him (because I'm not like that, and I respect and value fidelity), but because if I want to dance with her, she won't be able to, because the boyfriend we'll be complaining. I know already the story!!

Well, I was judged this week just because I said to a friend I'd like to spend a bit of money in a concert, to go with her, if her boyfriend wasn't coming. But I said that because she said he probably wouldn't go at the first place. I have the right!! And I really like him, but not to go with for a concert to dance, that's bloody all!!

I'm just so sad that this girlfriend of mine, who know me so well, and know that I don't encourage, in fact I don't like infidelity, still make me feel like the "SINGLE girl - the CURSE". Just because I don't think men are the only reason to live, and I'm not the conventional type, it doesn't mean that I'll destroy every relationship in the world neither encourage my friends to disrespect their partners. And this friend is one who knows me well and know all that!!!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really a freak who will never find someone because I'm way too open mind, and because I believe in relationships that do not function based ONLY AND EXCLUSIVELY on what society dictates is a good behaviour for women. Please, gimme answers!!!!

What a joke!

Although it's a joke, I'm not laughing at all. I actually think I should bust in tears. That's all because of the local elections, here in Brazil. We went yesterday to vote for our mayor and local members, and I did it for the first time ever, as I was away for ages. Man, I found it hard to pick my candidates. Brazilians are very hopeful, we always believe we are improving, things are changing, that people from the opposition can make a difference.

Maybe, because I was overseas, I opened my mind a bit more, and I lost this Brazilian spirit that "oh, we're getting better!", to replace it for something realistic. What we have here in Brazil isn't politics. It's an organised (or maybe disorganised) festival for a small and selected (by the people) group of high class thieves that are more worried about enjoying life with public money rather than improving health, education, security, employment rates etc.

Some people actually say the country is in a better condition, that poor people aren't that poor anymore, and uneducated people are getting education, and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Let me paint you a picture; firstly, the president came up with this plan called something like 'family package'. It's some "almost nothing" amount of money to make the poor people shut up and think he's helping. With education, they build heaps and heaps of beautiful buildings they call schools, but they forget to hire and pay teachers to teach. So, how can the kids learn something? The drug industry here in Brazil is run by the people in the 'favelas' in partnership with the police and the politicians. High profile judges order high class sons of a bitch to be released from jail because... oh, just because. Politicians here, to steal public money, come up with the weirdest road works, and get overcharged by the construction companies, to get half of the profit.

Politicians here are bribed, corrupted, blackmailed, it's shit! To pick my candidates, I couldn't even say "oh, this one is honest" because there isn't such a thing. It's actually accepted that they steal public money, because it's common. People here say "oh, such and such steal but at least he as a good administrator", or they say "I'm gonna vote in such and such because she is easy to bribe", or, even worse, I friend of mine, who is also a journo, said he was gonna vote for someone who was TOTALLY corrupted because this candidate was a good source for his articles. I'm like "what the fuck?!??!?!?". Do you believe a drag queen with NO, ZERO, political plan made the cut because people here think elections is a joke?

I'm not sure if I'm being radical or maybe blind, and Brazil is, in fact, going in the right direction. I hope so. I hope all the Brazilians are totally right to be positive about our country and I'm the only dumb thing surviving. I'm hoping that I'm wrong about having no hope.